The aging conundrum!

 

They say your parents are aging, be mindful of them and conscientious towards them.

Be gracious for all they have given you in your life.

 

And mostly, 95% at least I am. I lie, its 99%. The 1 % there is that hurts, because guess what, even I am aging…

The difference? They are 20 odd years ahead and have experienced more of the world.

I am as proven behind and yet to experience the full world. Though I doubt anyone experiences a full world. We experience a “full” world from our lens only so that may technically be an incorrect term.

Anyhoo, the point being: Yes, the parents are aging and as they grow old they become rigid with some ideas and beliefs. Its either their way or the highway. From what I hear, its almost always the case with certain parents, aging or not.

Back to the point, I am lucky enough to have conscientious parents and I thank god daily for this blessing bestowed only. But does that mean I am satisfied?

Nope!

Why?

Maybe, because I am a freaking human and I will always crave for more.

The point being, I understand that with aging certain challenges arise and am seeing that happen in front of my eyes. When I counter an incorrect argument or defy something I do not have patience for, or be a plain cranky big ass baby, my question is this:

Yes, parents are aging and so are we? Especially in an Indian setting and when you are a 30 above unmarried woman wanting to live life on her terms. You live with your family, you ensure everyone is comfortable with your choices and yet when you want to indulge in something you have to be answerable for that.

When does it stop? Will it ever? Parents keep saying you will always be our baby, but the same parents are throwing you into the world and making you work for things you want to indulge in and then when they do not agree with the said indulgence the emotional blackmail / lecture is set to come your way.

If you don’t listen, do not think you need to point your forth as well ( since you are a grown ass adult) you are taken as a cranky person. If you put forth your point, you end up explaining and draining the energy so much more than required.

The things is, I have come to realize there is a middle way, one which you can take and that depends on your situation, but something you made up.

Because there will be days when its ugly, days where its pretty, when its all just right and a day when it will all be gone. Then, you will be left hanging and yearning for those days and contemplating why did you ever waste so much time despising those days, the ugly will look pretty that far off.

And what do you do then? You just wait out the days and make the best of your life. If you’re lucky and in your next life you have an upgraded version of these days, of the protection you once lost, you are in for a treat. Otherwise, you are done.

That’s pretty far off. What does writing or thinking about it achieve for me?

I get to make a silent decision, let me have these days while I can: the ugly, the good and just right ones. Let me take some more advantage of the protection that I have been blessed with while I can.

Let me just for this ones be cranky because until my parents are there I do not have to be a rightful adult. I can be a cranky ass grown up woman demanding the world now to me.

Only because right now I have the luxury to be what I can and how I want it to be.

POV: Life!

 

There are times when I want the third person perspective. I am especially curious to know what a person meeting me thinks of me, what do they look at, what judgement crosses their mind?

Judging someone by their appearance is not new and all of us are bound to do it. But for me, its not just the looks, the way someone carries themselves is what matters.

Due to this I have actively worked on myself, to carry myself the way I want to perceive or be perceived.

I have heard terms like – ameer log, high maintenance for myself and I am left somewhat wondering the reason for these adjectives to be related to me.

So I do get curious, what does this person think of me. When I walk the street, disdain on some people’s faces, the trajectory of their eyes quite clear to me.

First, they see the face and if I do say myself it is a conventionally charming, not so average face. The body – well that can be one point. The moment these set of eyes trail down looking at my legs settling on my knock knees. No guesses what one might be thinking, if nothing else mostly it will be indifference or pity or just a pitiful remark in one’s mind.

Those who I speak with, close with or speak in passing they see the face, the body yes but they see my work and appearance as well.

As I said, over the years I have learnt to be presentable enough in my own simplistic elegance (look at me being my own mithoo). I have the privilege of staying in a comfortable home with my family and drive a nice car. All thanks to my parents, of course.

Speaking as a 39 year old single woman staying with your parents who not only respect your individuality but also try to learn if you raise a grievance, I have come to realize this life that I have is a luxury for many and I mean all genders.

So when looking from the outside, I realize many would think and I would say so myself – Oh! What a bloody easy life (God Bless and willing: Buri nazar waale tera muin kaala).

But did it start that way, no. Was it always a breeze for me: Hell no.

Let me be clear, my starting point has always been relatively easy and I realize that. But did that make it easier to deal with some of my melancholic / depressive / lazy ass in built characteristics – for my parents, sure as hell: NO.

What changed?

Something clicked when I shifted schools from CBSE to open schooling (story for some other day).

Then again click click when I moved to India, leaving a city like Dubai where in was my ultra comfort zone, that being extroverted people adopting the highly introverted me as their pet friend and I living a passively satisfying life.

Took one shift to india, years of a job search and a culture shock at every juncture for me to realize the people here were not as welcoming as the people back home in Dubai. Here each for your own, either you talk for yourself or no one talks for you: so to say adopts you as a introverted pet friend.

Not to mention, I was tired of passively passing through life, I wanted the front seat to my own life. The work it took and embarrassing moments that brought me to where I am today are plenty.

And no, I am not going to go word by word on those embarrassing stories, those are for me and my god when I face him and ask: Babaaaaa yeh maine kya kiya. Lol.

Point being, it was not easy but it was not difficult, I found that once I had made up my mind and took 1 step towards changing or rather upgrading some parts of my personality, the universe opened doors for me.

With each step I took I grew within myself. Now, when I tell someone I am a high functioning introvert, they are taken aback by this claim of mine.

What did this make me realize?

When we hold up ourselves accountable and act towards our requirements / goals / needs whatever they maybe, the universe responds like no other friend would.

What helped?

Supportive family, background or rather the foundation in my life of Satsang or as I refer to it: Spiritual psychology, my faith in my god translated to my faith in myself.

Was it easy?

Maybe at the time it would have been uncomfortable but when I look back all I can say is easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Hindsight changes so much of the perception on life.

My POV:

Yes, life is easy but am I without grievances and regrets. No.

Got some news buddy, no one is.

Take away:

All of us, no matter where we started or are currently are doing the best possible for our lives.

Reason for the curiosity for onlookers:

Chull… As simple as that. Chull for observations and understanding.

Final thoughts:

This lazy yet curious soul is grateful for the life given and wishes everyone had it easy.

But we all get our starting points, what we do not get is a right to judge someone else.

No matter, I will work towards living a full life.

Nazarein dhokha hai…

Nazaron ka matlab shareer pe lagi yeh do aankhen yahan wahan dekhti, nahi hoti.

Nazarein toh woh hain jo in aankhon ke peeche rehti hain,

Sochti aur samajhti hain…

Kisine kuch kaha toh who soch ya apna li, pasand nahi aaya toh thukra di.

Sab apni likes aur dislikes pe hi nirbhar hai.

 

Kisi ko apni nazaron se kisi ke liye chahat dikhti hai,

Uss kisiko unn hi nazaron mein khud par aane waali qayamat dikhti hai,

Qayamat chahat ki nahi, chahat se dur koso dur izzat ki kami dikhti hai…

 

Koi kehta hai yeh sahi, koi kehta hai who sahi hai,

Janaab yahaan toh hum khud nahi jaante ki hum kitne sahi hai…

 

Kisine keh diya insaani putle ho, galtiyon ka samundar ho,

Humne bhi maan liya, khud ko samundar…

Galtiyon ka ya khurafaton ka woh toh waqt hi batayega…

 

Shayad waqt batayega, par pehle poocha toh apni nazaron se jaayega…

Koshish hai  roz ki, apni nazaron mein kam galat hone ki,

Gairon ki nazarein unko Mubarak ho, yeh duniya padhi hai unke liye,

Ek hum hi thodi na hain akele…

 

Nazarein dhokha hain, Jab gairon ka aetbaar kare aur khud se na wafaa kare…

Farmabardaar nazarein bhi koi khaas saath nahi deti…

Nazar bas uski ho jiska sahara hai, yehi toh nazarein hain,

Yehi toh nazarein hain, jinhein dekh kar duniya mein chalte rehne ka yakeen hai,

Aur khud ki nazaron ko nazar mein rakhne ka aasra hai… 

नज़रें धोखा हैं…

नज़रों का मतलब शरीर पे लगी ये दो आँखें यहाँ-वहाँ देखती, नहीं होती।

नज़रें तो वो हैं जो इन आँखों के पीछे रहती हैं,
सोचती और समझती हैं…
किसी ने कुछ कहा तो वो सोच या अपना ली,
पसंद नहीं आया तो ठुकरा दी।
सब अपनी लाइक्स और डिसलाइक्स पे ही निर्भर है।

किसी को अपनी नज़रों से किसी के लिए चाहत दिखती है,
उस किसी को उन्हीं नज़रों में ख़ुद पर आने वाली क़यामत दिखती है,
क़यामत चाहत की नहीं, चाहत से दूर कोसों दूर इज़्ज़त की कमी दिखती है…

कोई कहता है ये सही, कोई कहता है वो सही है,
जनाब यहाँ तो हम ख़ुद नहीं जानते कि हम कितने सही हैं…

किसी ने कह दिया इंसानी पुतले हो, ग़लतियों का समुंदर हो,
हमने भी मान लिया, ख़ुद को समुंदर…
ग़लतियों का या ख़ुराफ़ातों का, वो तो वक़्त ही बताएगा…

शायद वक़्त बताएगा, पर पहले पूछा तो अपनी नज़रों से जाएगा…
कोशिश है रोज़ की, अपनी नज़रों में कम ग़लत होने की,
ग़ैरों की नज़रें उनको मुबारक हों, ये दुनिया पड़ी है उनके लिए,
एक हम ही थोड़ी ना हैं अकेले…

नज़रें धोखा हैं, जब ग़ैरों का ऐतबार करें और ख़ुद से न वफ़ा करें…
फ़रमाबरदार नज़रें भी कोई ख़ास साथ नहीं देतीं…
नज़र बस उसकी हो जिसका सहारा है, यही तो नज़रें हैं,
यही तो नज़रें हैं, जिन्हें देख कर दुनिया में चलते रहने का यक़ीन है,
और ख़ुद की नज़रों को नज़र में रखने का आसरा है…

कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…

 

*कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…**

कड़वी काफ़ी और मीठी ज़िंदगी, यह कॉम्बिनेशन ही कुछ और है

कॉफी का कड़वापन आहिस्ता जैसे ज़िंदगी में घुलता है,

ज़िंदगी का ज़ायका वैसे थोड़ा सर चढ़ बोलता है…

मीठी ज़िंदगी चाहिए मुझे, पर क्या बताएँ?

क्या बताएँ कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने!!!

कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने,

शुगर-फ़्री का ज़माना है, ज़ीरो शुगर पे ज़िंदगी चलाना है,

यह करें तो मुश्किल, वो करें तो हाय मेरा दिल…

उफ़, थक गई मैं इतना सोचते, चलो कोई नहीं…

चलो कोई नहीं, मिल बैठ के यारों के साथ हम कॉफी पी लेते…

कड़वी कॉफी की एक चुस्की का दम, और भूल गए ज़िंदगी के सारे ग़म…

बात तो है यह पते की है, कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

दोनों का चस्का जो एक बार लगा ले, उस महक को साँसों में बसा ले,

आँखें खुल जाती हैं, ज़िंदगी दिख जाती है (2)…

क्या बताऊँ साहिब, क्या-क्या मसले हैं,

जो जागी हूँ तो ख़बर पढ़ी (2)

मुझ में और मेरी ख़्वाहिशों में कितने फ़ासले हैं…

पर चुप हो बैठना नहीं, सब कुछ मन में रख सहना नहीं

चल पड़ी हूँ अब उस मीठे से लक्ष्य की ओर…

पर उससे पहले… उससे पहले क्यों न फिर हो जाए,

**एक प्याली कड़वी-सी कॉफी…**

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai…

Kadwi kaafi aur meethi zindagi, yeh combination hi kuch aur hai

Coffee ka kadwapan ahista jaise zindagi mein ghulta hai,

Zindagi ka zaika waise thoda sar chadh bolta hai…

Meethi Zindagi chahiye mujhe, par kya batayein?

Kya batayein kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsane!!!

Kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsaane,

Sugar free ka zamana hai, zero sugar pe zindagi chalana hai,

Yeh karein toh mushkil, who kare toh haaye mera dil…

Uff, thak gayi main itna sochte, chalo koi nahi…

Chalo koi nahi, mil baith ke yaaron ke saath hum coffee pee lete…

Kadwi coffee ki ek chuski ka dum, aur bhul gaye zindagi ke saare gam…

Baat toh hai yeh pate ki hai, coffee ho ya zindagi,

coffee ho ya zindagi,

dono ka chaska jo ek baar lagale, uss mehek ko saanson mein basaale, 

aankhein khul jaati hai, zindagi dikh jaati hai (2)…

Kya bataun sahib, kya kya masle hain, 

Jo jaagi huin toh khabar padhi (2)

Mujh mein aur meri khwahishon mein kitne faasle hain…

Par chup ho baithna nahi, sab kuch mann mein rakh sehna nahi

Chal padhi huin ab uss meethe se lakshya ki or…

Par usse pehle…. Usse pehle kyun nahi phir ho jaaye ,

Ek pyaali kadwi si coffee…

Inconsequential’s with consequences and new year reflections

Do you have a feeling that your time has been taken up, i.e., more than half your day taken up by the most inconsequential thing in life? But again, it is not inconsequential per say as much as a necessity.

This inconsequential thing is what allows you to sustain a lifestyle, dignity of a self-led life and demand more from life. Once it may have held consequence in your life in your quest to gain a semblance of life in a new city.

Now with the years gone by, with the ups and downs, working through burnouts, facing insecurities and trying to overcome them, same people by your side, you feel you have grown out of a space and the mindset, mostly the income as well.

However, you are reluctant to replace this. The complacency, the comfort and the known now scaring you, what scares you more is the other side. The unknown: What happens after this? Am I able to recover from this, replace the income which allowed me a sovereignty over my own life like no other?

These questions, can lead to a sort of mental paralysis and take my attention from the action to be taken.

That is exactly what has been happening. One thing AI is helpful in, is the fact that I can write out my feelings to understand what I am going through. Also helped in getting some answers.

Truthfully, I was aware what I am going through but feared it was ‘fear’ holding me back. Which now I understand is also me being practical. I am 39 after all, not a 25-year fresher. Of course, I have had my time laying back but that time, I was too busy day dreaming to think about life OR what actually I want in life.

Now, I just know I am growing out of the space that I once inhabited and it is not enough to hold me, mentally or financially.

But to grow out of somewhere, I may need to plan my steps, baby steps in fact. I am a work in progress I know, I am trying to make a way for myself that is for myself. To maintain my dignity and respect, not that the place does not give me so. Just that I have started valuing my sovereignty more than anything else.

You know the feeling get, it time to leave certain spaces and people behind. While I feel I may have been dragging on in a place where it is no longer required.

What do I do to get myself out of the rut that complacency creates? Can I just make rash decisions or take calculative steps that reflects my lived experience?

Will I be able to fully grow out of this constraint that I myself have created in the attraction of the comfort offered and create a space for myself which is mine, created for me?

Can I come back here and happily report a change and growth I did foresee, but this time was brave to take the steps required?

I have, technically, 361 days to secure a pass report… don’t I?

Checking back 2027!

 

Introversial to Overstimulation

Feeling overstimulated!

I am in essence an introvert for whom looking any person in the eye was a very challenging task until I knew them really well. I am the kind who would be “taken under the wing” by an extroverted friend and would see the world through their lens.

And at some point, in life a switch went on which said this ‘gotta’ change babe.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that you will always be second in someone else’s life (especially if they are your first priority), worst is knowing you will be last for everyone around (except your family).

That’s when it hits: You can be first only in your own life and build around that.

That does not mean you gather a bunch of followers to make sure you are first in everyone’s life. That will be a cult and not a friend group built on equality and mutual respect unfortunately.

Why is it important and enough to be ‘first’ in your own life?

Because this means you will always end up making the best possible decision for yourself no matter what the world says.

If it’s elders in family guilt tripping you to accept a ‘rishta’ which will never come again OR anyone trying to force / project / impose their feelings unto you by manipulating you in the name of ‘psychology’ – worse – “body language”.

Gradually you tend to find your footing, navigating these tricky situations, getting your family on your side and living with some necessary ‘evils’, if required to get your way around this world.

Does it mean I am selfish? Maybe so. Am I guilty of it? No. Why?

It is because of one core belief that I follow from my highly introvert to today’s high functioning introvert days – Simple thinking, peaceful living since other is hell.

Be yourself, true. But be your most conscientious true self to the best of your ability at any given point in time. In other words, know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction: Awareness at all times.

This has helped me reach where I am today, mentally. Going to a book club and mingling with a group of strangers over coffee and books. Learn about film community in action and get excited for new experiences, actually living them. This was never who I thought I would be but very much wanted to be so.

I feel a high like no other, overstimulation and a need to isolate, watch brain rot all at the same time. But all this is worth it, to see this version of me which was once a distant dream.

All because I had one clear goal once that switch went on: I want to create my own world. Oh, how life has responded to me with open arms.

Of course, it has been a rocky road with complaints, queries, compliments and even suggestions for the universe. Even requests to rewind time (too many sci fi and Kdramas I guess). But I would not trade today for anything.

So much more to come and I feel so ready.

But first thing first – Isolation mode loading!

Life… A sentence in Death!

Death!...

What is there to say about this phenomenon that has not been already said.

The Gurus, our scriptures mark it as a happening of life, ending of one chapter, to begin anew.

A phase of life which has come to its fulfilment. Pick up a newspaper, a social media post and somewhere you will have at least one story depicting a violent end.

That’s all it is, an article, a phase in someone else’s life. That is, until it comes knocking near to you. And more so, when it takes someone dear to you, someone you thought you had all the time in the world with.

And suddenly, this sense of infinity is stripped from you.

You look at the body in front of you and are to contemplate this life that you were lucky to be a part of. You dare – even if for a moment – to face your own mortality.

My first encounter with death was as a child, a distinct memory as a 4 or 5-year-old, when on one of our family visits to Ratlam I had fallen seriously ill. My mother had to take me to the nearby hospital on a tonga. And there I saw a procession going by chanting “Ram naam satya hai”.

That scene has always stayed with me, watching it as a young child of course I did not understand much. I believe I thought it maybe my turn now – but that’s the adult me trying to go back and see what the “little” me was processing. Why do I have to force feed thoughts to this “little” me is beyond me.

But yes, as any normal human being would, I have had my fair share of attending these growing up.

As a child, I don’t think we process much and just feel the sadness around it. As an adult, everyone is busy asking the grieving person to be ‘strong’, ‘it is ok’… I know their heart is in the right place, but that is a load of ‘hollow advice’ in my eyes.

The loss and the void that comes with this are unfathomable, especially for the immediate family. For the world may not be aware, but I believe the collective consciousness is. So many lives touched just by the smile of one person.

It puts so many issues in perspective, even if temporarily. Every moment a life is realized and the next moment a life has reached its fulfillment. The world moves on and so do you. But Death, it has a way of staring at you no matter how much you may have turned away your face from it. It reminds you of its existence when you least expect it.

When you face the question of your own mortality, it is not you alone. Your age is also a reminder of the fragility of the lives around you. The moment when you see your loved ones and realize that time has sped up while you have been busy growing up.

You also have this daunting fact facing you, it is not the age / the health / the trajectory you are at that matters. It is simply when life has decided, you have had enough. And that can be at any moment, this moment as well.

And yet, here we are worried about a certain goal / trajectory to reach post which we may start to truly live rather than staying alive right now.

Quite frankly, I have had these ramblings with myself for quite some time now.

Death as much as I may fear it… for myself or for my near and dear ones (God forbid).

We do not conquer, run or hide from death. That is what is embedded in our psyche as a civilization. The “Gurus” teachings, our scriptures preaching.

So, the question remains, what do I want to see when death faces me: Do I welcome him as an old friend or a vengeful entity wanting to strip away my ego?

Truthfully, even this thought, this rambling is scary to me. To put down in words what I have thought of or been afraid of to think, to articulate, for a long time.

All I know is, I want no regrets, if that is possible. A human mind has its limits, dare I say and mine is wired to simple needs. A life lived, fulfilled with love to its fullest.

Grateful for the lives I have been a part of and that they were a part of mine.

To welcome death as an old friend, when its eyes provide me with a mirror of my life all I see is a life lived and loved to its fullest.

Faith within, calm in mind, love in my heart, for this end I am willing to work hard. I know it is easier said than done, but the intent matters, showing up matters and rest is up to God.

As above, Not so below...

What do i write, when there is nothing to write?

How do I write when there are no words to flow?

The waiting ink, my aching heart, oh so many memories I go through and from which I depart....

No words can sum up this feeling in my mind and the thoughts in my heart...

Oh, how do I write when words fall apart?

Perception and its plays

Peace, like human behaviour, is subjective and varies with each individual.

I want my friends to take control of their lives, go out, feel the sun, be so much more than they are now.

For this I have never fought with them, I find that a waste of my time and energy. I make my thoughts clear on what I feel they should action.

However, with experience and with time I have learnt, it can be construed as something else. That same friend can convolute your care as something else in their mind and try to impose their own distorted feelings, misplaced traumas unto you. Some one else whom you may deem as a good friend, may just ignore you altogether. And as per your interpretation, none of them have the decency to respect you.

But then again, when you look deep into yourself, wanting to do what you feel is best for you, if that means cutting off someone who leeches on with warped intentions to you, if that means taking a step back from the friendship that starts feeling more like a burden than a blooming flower, is when you realize – maybe, just maybe, you have not respected them as well.

In your high mightiness of self (can be due to your upbringing, your current goals which you are working towards, so much more but all sub conscious more than conscious) you have judged them and looked down on them for not taking the obvious action in the situation they are in and just cut off the root.

Oh how easy it is to judge a life you have not lived, a life that’s gone through ups and downs parallel to yours in this world, yes, but has had its own challenges. You judge someone for not doing the obvious as per your perception, disregarding the life that has lived and gone through the challenges.

One is now on the way to a faraway place to fulfill their goal, while you would overthink everything before even taking a solo trip kind of a decision. Solo movies, café dates, yes… But you would overthink a 1000 times and be paralyzed as many times before even doing something so outrageous for yourself. Even when you know it will relieve you of so much dependence in the mind.

The other can do what they want really, as long as they do not impose their nonsense unto me. But are a friend nevertheless and you will always wish them well.

If any of them read this, I guess I am done for but all the best guys – always rooting for you!

Anyhow, the point here is, I have judged not only these but I am guessing many people while myself standing on a high pedestal. It is possible I am on that pedestal right now, judging myself while writing this. If that’s the case – Hi there, Judgement buddy, how about you take a space ship to mars and never come back. Thanks!

It is so easy for a third person to look at some one and go: You know I believe you are to do X for Y result. I have had people judge me, walking on the road. Can see it in their eyes once they have looked at me up to down and spotted the bent knee issue.

While I walk, run, all will come and say you are an inspiration. Well, dude its knock knees not end of the world for me to stop walking, what’s your excuse? The scooter / bike to a place which will take 10 mins to reach by walk?

We all have many a times judged some one else, Maybe call this a aging game. Lol.

But to open your perception beyond your understanding, to actually look at someone and understand the challenging trajectory they had. More than sympathy we need more of empathy, to recognize the challenges a person may have had and not to impose our own misplaced solutions on them. In that sense, am I not the leech trying to get some kind of a high all and know all recognition from them?

This far sightedness, does this come in a day? No.

It takes work to look at yourself, while you always saw your flaws, you ignored them, so to embrace them and work on them where you can. Isn’t this what we expect of ourselves and of others.

Yet in our treatment of others we are the opposite and demand exactly what we do not give.

I know I have a long way to go, the people around me have been very patient with the myopic view I have had and now its time to give myself the same patience to work on myself (my circle of control) and same patience to be there for my people in times of their need while they work on themselves.

Truthfully, that is what I can do best as of now.

Be there for myself, in turn show up for them.

In essence, they have to find their own version of peace and so do I. This holds true not just for them, but also for the ones I hold very dear.

The Grind to handle a Negative Mind

 The grind to handle a negative mind:

 

Preachy, pretentious, higher than thou, carrying a halo. Easy to be.

Not easy: to handle a mind when it’s decided on a day to play victim with the most oblivious of your memories and start generalizing life, people in this lens.

I wear many lenses Rose / black / blue – not green or yellow though (my sunglasses-duh). God knows it mars the vision and nature colors like no other. Just takes over the viewing experience: if you get what I mean.

Well, the same can be said for the lens called negativity. With the lens of Positivity, one day life is “Hum Saath Saath Hain” on another it is “Main Hoon Na”, next day it is “Baazigar”, some days “Sooryavansham”, on others “Wake up Sid!”, on many it is “Lakshya”. There are days where it is even “Golmaal”.

Then there are days where it is “Jaani Dushman”- Kisi ko nahi pata ghanta kya chal raha hai, aur mujhe toh bilkul nahi pata. On all these days, head is held high or low, just go slow with the flow.

But kya hojaaye jab negativity ka lens lag jaaye aur life “Naagin” ka season 38 ban jaaye. Yahan ek janam mushkil se beet ra, 100 janam mein kaunsa badla luin. Kisse? Kyun?

That one day when it gets free hand: actually, the mind decides today negativity gets free call. The havoc that it wreaks on mind and surroundings. A Tsunami can be put to shame.

All the sadhana, all the so-called stoic practice, all the positivity, all the faith that you have practiced, you can summon. And uss din it is just “Babaji ka thullu.”

What do you do on such days? Cry, curse and try to stay calm. Because you know this is a one-time tantrum in your brain, but to let it spill out in your surrounding will be a life long regret.

But does that mean that it does not affect your environment. It does. Somehow, somewhere one person can catch hold of these vibrations in the family and act on it. Even then to stay quite and to not let your mouth wander off as per your mind takes some might.

It is well worth it. Even then you will have some negative thoughts. But once you have crossed the phase you will realize the work in progress that you still are and one thing that will give the relief is, crossing it without having regret cross over with you.

I understand more than anything, I am a work in progress. Exactly why, I will still practice my Sadhana, my self-love, self-respect, positivity for days like these when they come – maybe rare but when they are here, they knock out the air within you. But what keeps you grounded is understanding the core person you are. That is possible through discipline (Niyama).

I continue to work on myself, for myself. For the person I see in the mirror and say – you have come a long way babe, well done! Now let’s go further.

Writer's drama, Existential overthinking...

I want to keep writing...

But how? Do I continue with life experiences OR draw up a story somewhere?

Until now my focus has been to write and publish every week. And true to that, every week I had something write about.

This week however, I am at a loss. Why?

Maybe, I have not sat and observed the week in solitude as I usually do?

Or there has been so much going on, that I have not had the time to sit with it and go through it. This is despite me taking the whole Diwali week off from work. It was precisely to put together my thoughts on my focus areas. Exactly what I have been unable to do.

Do I blame the family who saw the free time I had and decided to put it to use on #DiwaliSafai by which time if i finished i had no inclination to write OR the cousins who were sweet to come and visit post Diwali. Through them I got to go back to some of my favorite places in Pune, to show them around.

Or is it me, who was available all the while and when I did complain, it was on such inconsequential things (since I wanted to keep private the reason for this leave) that they just decided to shut me up and ignore my tantrums?

Family settings, especially with Indians, if you live with your parents - tend to bring out the best and worst in you. The best makes you feel all gooey, grateful. Its the worst of you that makes it uncomfortable.

You start to question your sanity, if you are human to even think against your parents (the great Indian dilemma) or rather you are just a docile being who has surrendered to the situation and try to make the best of it.

Does this make the family a villain, if that's so then I maybe the vamp I so detested once (cue Komolika music- Nikaaaa). But wanting to draw boundaries can lead to being a vamp- No.

And it certainly is more in my mind (grown up on too much indian drama i guess- 90's and 2000's - Ekta kapoor, i blame you.) Sigh!

Nevertheless, all it takes is one step towards open communication with your mother and she will turn out to be the biggest supporter of you. Well that's my mom, at least. She would adjust herself to align with your goals (I mean me of course). But once she just voices her insecurity / opinion / need, she suddenly is the villain of my life.

Listening to many people I understand how lucky I am and having been privy to many life experiences I can gather not all are that lucky. Does luck have something to do with this though... Or is it the "Karma" as so well put of our past lives?

I certainly do not have these answers. I mean if past lives do exist and we are given a look into our own "Raaz pichle janam ka" I doubt we will remain sane once we have seen that. So let suspense be suspenseful?! And work with what you have got.

The thing is, we all are centered around our own lives, even while living in one home / one room with family. To us, we are the heroes, the knight in shining armor - if you may, for the family. But the truth is, we each our own shining light, yes. But that light at times dims down, that's when we need the light of our family to shine on to us until our light comes back.

We all know this, I certainly understand this and yet, there are times that negative thoughts do come in, the rant (which this post may as well be) also sets in. The moment when you understand you are victimizing yourself and creating drama in your own head. And no, you do not need to look out or at other people to be grateful for your life's pros'. For that matter, being born and staying in the country, you're at as well.

What is needed is to center yourself, gather and observe the thoughts, let go of the one's that do not serve you.

Oh, if only it was easier done than said. 

The Lull Before the Run

 

I am in a lull – running wise.

While I have done a 5 kms and 3 kms run, well more like walk+run (I am still proud of the journey), this year I had a goal of at least achieving 5 kms run without interval and a 10 kms record for myself, time did not matter to me as much the distance did.

Have I reached it – No. In fact, I have stopped practicing for it as it more or less worries me.

Don’t get me wrong, the worry is for my lack of improvement. Maybe to find out I am not made for it. Well with knock knees and scoliosis as a partner in this journey, it is quite bizarre of me to pick this activity.

I look at runners on streets (no they are not chor’s but running athletes, even the beginners) I am full of awe and inspiration to one day be able to match them. With my situation, I understand this comes with me being patient and practicing my best.

My trainer has tried to inspire me, though, but I find my way to wiggle out of it. What can I say? I can be stubborn at weird times. My question at these times – Main aisi kyun huin? Arghhhh…

To help me get motivated, I got the book much talked about by one of the hosts of Chalchitra talks ( I do not know his name but he is the only “he” on that channel) – The book: What I talk about when I talk about running. As per him, it inspired him to take up 5 kms challenge and complete a running event.

Exactly what I feel I wanted. Click: Amazon.

Firstly, I was fresh off the bat from the ‘Haruki Murakami’ experience having read Kafka on the shore and Men without Women. This experience kind of rewired my mind a bit and got me into the surreal shadier stuff… Reading wise… Please… *rolls eyes*

Anyway, without digressing much, I was not aware of this side Murakami’s. So, I was quite keen to get into the book, being a somewhat ‘fitness freak’ myself.

It was a very well written book and felt more like a diary entry to track progress. Provide numbers, practice tips and incite motivation rather than just barking affirmations to yourself.

Essentially, progress tracking and yearly participation in a race is what helps keep you in tune with your body and that is enough motivation.

At the risk of paraphrasing the great Haruki Murakami, the two main themes or lessons I found in the book were:

·         Writing is a way of understanding what he wants out of life.

·         To have a goal that is suitable to you which you can enjoy.

So ironically enough, it did not motivate me much into picking up running, but did make me want to get into writing – whatever I feel like – certainly not an author. But dreams are free of cost, it’s the effort taken to fulfil this that matters.

Anyhoo, to summarize the book makes me want to write more than run more. I would say it is not the effect I was expecting but am not complaining either.

Running… Ah! As much as I do not like it may have to wait. There is something about it that gets me and at the same time bothers me. Is it the early hours required to turn up at the event? Well then, I do not even want to see what long distance running hours would look like.

The lull is a time for me to breathe, step back and take a look, relax. I will be ready to fly when its time.

Kal hai na: A Pro Procrastinator's tale

We have always heard how procrastination leads to delay in tasks and essentially delaying life or rather living life.

Every procrastinator thinks of one thing, Kal hai na 😉 (we still have tomorrow). While the truth of the matter is, we don’t know if we even have the next moment.

But as the famous saying goes – Don’t worry ho jaayega:

Kaise? Kya pata? Kaun karega? Main? Kal karein?

Humein lagta hai kaam khud hoga, ya ho jaayega, ya koi aasmaan se aayega aur who kaam karke jaayega. Fairy godmother of sorts (Yahan pe bhi gender discrimination ;P ).

In short, we have been told all the negative qualities of it and how to avoid it. There is even a book called (eat that frog…ahem…), became a go to saying of my team as well thanks to the head boss.

But I am a bit delusional and a wizard, I eat only chocolate frogs and, in this case, it came in handy.

Let me explain:

Normal days and circumstance, I give up my workout and my sadhana to make it on time to a gathering (especially office ones).

This time I decided not to delay my workout and sadhana to the next day and instead work on my routine especially on such days when there are these rare gatherings.

I could have taken the time and rested / wiled away staring at the ceiling. But I decided to procrastinate that to the next day as it was a Saturday.

Prioritizing my workout, meals and sadhana then these parties and later the laziness I know I am much entitled too.

Though I am not sure if I procrastinated it into oblivion since I am here on that same supposedly lazy Saturday being productive here. And this time – tomorrow only means work and no play. For the half part of day atleast.

Faith, Insecurities, and Anchoring in Self

I have been in a somber mood for a while now.

Don’t believe anyone sees through that smile of mine until and unless I really down.

The thing is I do not want anyone to see it as well.

What do I say? How do I even explain?

Explain that life is good, I have nothing to complain and seemingly fulfilling, yet I would really like to withdraw from all responsibilities, just read write have coffee, visit numerous cafes, do my sadhana, complete my gym sessions and learn other things I have interest in.

I do not like people calling me and eating away my precious time during which I can sit and stare at a blank wall. That will be more fun to me than going through some conversations I have had lately.

What I despise most are people who do not take ‘no’ for an answer and more so the crowd around who enjoy gossiping at the expense of others. I treat people the way I want to be treated and believe in basic respect given our humanity (if any exists).

What I have come across many a times are energy leeches, friends (if they can be called that) who do not understand boundaries and people who have no business, link others in an imaginary relationship and cause gossip.

I have endured the situation very matured and very me ‘introverted’ like *cough* suffer in silence *cough*and kept my head high.

Come new phase in life, 2025 was a bang indeed and has fast forwarded with a speed which has left me grappling with some of the things I may not have worked on – within and without.

It will be foolish to describe myself by saying: I am overly optimistic, when I am so painfully aware of my inadequacies. The insecurities that come along with it, well lets just say my demons have a field day in my mind.

Faith:

The reason I mention faith here, is because I am lucky to have friends of some diverse thoughts and have had some look into their idea of faith.

There are some who classify as ‘atheist’, grew up in a believing family: However, with their experience / situations understood their standing on the subject. Some I know were believers of science and decided religion is not for them.

One of the reasons which a very good friend pointed out to me was there is no evidence of a ’divine being’ and they did not feel any connect. If you read Why Am I an atheist by “Shaheed Bhagat Singh” which is an eye opener in itself – a look into the great revolutionary’s mind (who shall miss that?).

He imparts his thought on the subject by saying, the idea of being dependent on a outer divine being or situations being responsible for his actions, is not something he understands. To him, he is independent in his actions and has no God to look up to, which means in adversity he stands alone. And for him that is the true test of character.

Truly a revolutionary: In thought and in action. I salute you sir.

Coming back, this is a field day for my demons as well I guess OR maybe I am actually doing something which has long been encouraged in my faith. Questioning my faith and why do I need it, is it an anchor, a way to ward off responsibility of my actions?

I have grown up with my faith, it is an intrinsic part of me. But I guess it is always good to look at the root cause of it and what you want out of it so as to understand where you stand.

To me, its been as natural as a river flowing starting from the glacier down to the mountains and making its way to the sea. Even if the river does not get a way, it makes its own way just by flowing, no matter how she changes her course, she knows she has to reach the sea.

My faith is the sea and I am but a flowing river going towards its destination. Don’t get me wrong, I have had bad and questionable days. When I was flooded river rather than a flowing one.

But during this time of going through my insecurities, one thing that I did notice is chanting, remembering the one I believe in, the lessons I have been imparted through satsang and life, that grounded me – in ME.

While growing up and being influenced by the movies you tend to look outward for miracles, but if you do the work on yourself, you realize that miracle is not somewhere outside, it is within me. It is ‘Me’ in the truest sense.

Inadequacies and subsequent insecurities:

This I believe all of us deal with it, however, it is our genuine belief that our problem is much larger than someone else.

If given a chance we would sit down and count our cards with each other, but since that is considered inappropriate, we resort to judge others and their life in our minds. And as rightly said: Grass is always greener on the other side. Also, humans love the idea of being victimized.

I have a sneaking suspicion most of us go through our life with Stockholm syndromes. Hear me out, we behave as if someone kidnapped our right to life and now there is no bigger victim than us. While for some it may hold true (extreme examples: People of Gaza, Afghanistan, tramatic childhood, bullying victims, etc.) some of us have gone through life with an in born melancholy – yes me.

And if I want to sit down and count my victim cards, I can bring some – no problem. But I refuse.

I refuse to go through my own life as a third person or live vicariously through someone else while I may be the last priority OR maybe NO priority at all. What’s needed for that? Not classifying as a victim. But what is the first response of a normal human being? I am a victim.

Is it easy to not play victim? To show up everyday even though your internal everything is screaming – you are not needed, go be somewhere else?

No, it’s not. Hell NOT. But have I ever made something easy for myself in this regard? Nope and I don’t plan to. Why oh why then I call myself a closeted lazy human?

My mind right now is a field play of my flaws physical, mental and spiritual. Yes, I have blamed everyone from my parents, my upbringing, my ancestors and of course – My God. And the conclusion?

If I am that victimized and was stopped from being great previously: WHAT THE HELL IS STOPPING ME NOW?

You guessed it: yours truly – ‘Moi’.

Confrontations:

The idea is to confront me for me, to better me.

There, first great point revealed – ability to generate tongue twisters. Thank you!

I have confronted people doing me wrong, who only left me wondering what the hell was I thinking. So that’s not ideal. But this time I decided to also confront an outside source of the much despicable gossip for me.

My only idea: Confront them as the best of me. Let me explain.

I do not accuse, I do not fight, it will end up with me in tears and guilt for doing wrong to the other. And trust me, someone has manipulated this very trait of mine, to suit their own fantasies.

As you can imagine: Living hell for me. Nah Ah.

I won’t say I am all relieved and on top of the world. It was meant to be a subtle warning to them and if they are wise, they will know.

Was this to satisfy my ego? No.

It was to let people know I am done with taking their garbage, even if its behind my back. I will not suffer silently no more and I am not available to take anyone’s S*** no more.

While I am not surprised, this was needed. But I can see how this came about. Meeting and speaking to certain people does bring about a change. You tend to pick up things you yourself are lacking.

Thanking my god now for this very change. If I am giving the responsibility to them for the bad, I should have no qualms in applauding for the good done.

But the fact of the matter is, the whole point is for me to learn and grow.

Anchoring in self:

In essence with my faith, the life lessons and facing the many demons, the point is to anchor myself to myself.

Titanic drowned not only due to hitting the iceberg but also due to an engineering and design fault. ‘Iceberg’ in life will come and go, it is your own design and engineering expertise on yourself that keeps you going. Not to forget the navigation misses.

Goodbye note:

I understand I may have bored you with a long article as such, but dear reader, it is only fair I share my experiences to the best of my ability. If it helps you or if you just find it interesting- I would be deeply delighted.