कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…

 

*कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…**

कड़वी काफ़ी और मीठी ज़िंदगी, यह कॉम्बिनेशन ही कुछ और है

कॉफी का कड़वापन आहिस्ता जैसे ज़िंदगी में घुलता है,

ज़िंदगी का ज़ायका वैसे थोड़ा सर चढ़ बोलता है…

मीठी ज़िंदगी चाहिए मुझे, पर क्या बताएँ?

क्या बताएँ कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने!!!

कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने,

शुगर-फ़्री का ज़माना है, ज़ीरो शुगर पे ज़िंदगी चलाना है,

यह करें तो मुश्किल, वो करें तो हाय मेरा दिल…

उफ़, थक गई मैं इतना सोचते, चलो कोई नहीं…

चलो कोई नहीं, मिल बैठ के यारों के साथ हम कॉफी पी लेते…

कड़वी कॉफी की एक चुस्की का दम, और भूल गए ज़िंदगी के सारे ग़म…

बात तो है यह पते की है, कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

दोनों का चस्का जो एक बार लगा ले, उस महक को साँसों में बसा ले,

आँखें खुल जाती हैं, ज़िंदगी दिख जाती है (2)…

क्या बताऊँ साहिब, क्या-क्या मसले हैं,

जो जागी हूँ तो ख़बर पढ़ी (2)

मुझ में और मेरी ख़्वाहिशों में कितने फ़ासले हैं…

पर चुप हो बैठना नहीं, सब कुछ मन में रख सहना नहीं

चल पड़ी हूँ अब उस मीठे से लक्ष्य की ओर…

पर उससे पहले… उससे पहले क्यों न फिर हो जाए,

**एक प्याली कड़वी-सी कॉफी…**

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai…

Kadwi kaafi aur meethi zindagi, yeh combination hi kuch aur hai

Coffee ka kadwapan ahista jaise zindagi mein ghulta hai,

Zindagi ka zaika waise thoda sar chadh bolta hai…

Meethi Zindagi chahiye mujhe, par kya batayein?

Kya batayein kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsane!!!

Kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsaane,

Sugar free ka zamana hai, zero sugar pe zindagi chalana hai,

Yeh karein toh mushkil, who kare toh haaye mera dil…

Uff, thak gayi main itna sochte, chalo koi nahi…

Chalo koi nahi, mil baith ke yaaron ke saath hum coffee pee lete…

Kadwi coffee ki ek chuski ka dum, aur bhul gaye zindagi ke saare gam…

Baat toh hai yeh pate ki hai, coffee ho ya zindagi,

coffee ho ya zindagi,

dono ka chaska jo ek baar lagale, uss mehek ko saanson mein basaale, 

aankhein khul jaati hai, zindagi dikh jaati hai (2)…

Kya bataun sahib, kya kya masle hain, 

Jo jaagi huin toh khabar padhi (2)

Mujh mein aur meri khwahishon mein kitne faasle hain…

Par chup ho baithna nahi, sab kuch mann mein rakh sehna nahi

Chal padhi huin ab uss meethe se lakshya ki or…

Par usse pehle…. Usse pehle kyun nahi phir ho jaaye ,

Ek pyaali kadwi si coffee…

Inconsequential’s with consequences and new year reflections

Do you have a feeling that your time has been taken up, i.e., more than half your day taken up by the most inconsequential thing in life? But again, it is not inconsequential per say as much as a necessity.

This inconsequential thing is what allows you to sustain a lifestyle, dignity of a self-led life and demand more from life. Once it may have held consequence in your life in your quest to gain a semblance of life in a new city.

Now with the years gone by, with the ups and downs, working through burnouts, facing insecurities and trying to overcome them, same people by your side, you feel you have grown out of a space and the mindset, mostly the income as well.

However, you are reluctant to replace this. The complacency, the comfort and the known now scaring you, what scares you more is the other side. The unknown: What happens after this? Am I able to recover from this, replace the income which allowed me a sovereignty over my own life like no other?

These questions, can lead to a sort of mental paralysis and take my attention from the action to be taken.

That is exactly what has been happening. One thing AI is helpful in, is the fact that I can write out my feelings to understand what I am going through. Also helped in getting some answers.

Truthfully, I was aware what I am going through but feared it was ‘fear’ holding me back. Which now I understand is also me being practical. I am 39 after all, not a 25-year fresher. Of course, I have had my time laying back but that time, I was too busy day dreaming to think about life OR what actually I want in life.

Now, I just know I am growing out of the space that I once inhabited and it is not enough to hold me, mentally or financially.

But to grow out of somewhere, I may need to plan my steps, baby steps in fact. I am a work in progress I know, I am trying to make a way for myself that is for myself. To maintain my dignity and respect, not that the place does not give me so. Just that I have started valuing my sovereignty more than anything else.

You know the feeling get, it time to leave certain spaces and people behind. While I feel I may have been dragging on in a place where it is no longer required.

What do I do to get myself out of the rut that complacency creates? Can I just make rash decisions or take calculative steps that reflects my lived experience?

Will I be able to fully grow out of this constraint that I myself have created in the attraction of the comfort offered and create a space for myself which is mine, created for me?

Can I come back here and happily report a change and growth I did foresee, but this time was brave to take the steps required?

I have, technically, 361 days to secure a pass report… don’t I?

Checking back 2027!

 

Introversial to Overstimulation

Feeling overstimulated!

I am in essence an introvert for whom looking any person in the eye was a very challenging task until I knew them really well. I am the kind who would be “taken under the wing” by an extroverted friend and would see the world through their lens.

And at some point, in life a switch went on which said this ‘gotta’ change babe.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that you will always be second in someone else’s life (especially if they are your first priority), worst is knowing you will be last for everyone around (except your family).

That’s when it hits: You can be first only in your own life and build around that.

That does not mean you gather a bunch of followers to make sure you are first in everyone’s life. That will be a cult and not a friend group built on equality and mutual respect unfortunately.

Why is it important and enough to be ‘first’ in your own life?

Because this means you will always end up making the best possible decision for yourself no matter what the world says.

If it’s elders in family guilt tripping you to accept a ‘rishta’ which will never come again OR anyone trying to force / project / impose their feelings unto you by manipulating you in the name of ‘psychology’ – worse – “body language”.

Gradually you tend to find your footing, navigating these tricky situations, getting your family on your side and living with some necessary ‘evils’, if required to get your way around this world.

Does it mean I am selfish? Maybe so. Am I guilty of it? No. Why?

It is because of one core belief that I follow from my highly introvert to today’s high functioning introvert days – Simple thinking, peaceful living since other is hell.

Be yourself, true. But be your most conscientious true self to the best of your ability at any given point in time. In other words, know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction: Awareness at all times.

This has helped me reach where I am today, mentally. Going to a book club and mingling with a group of strangers over coffee and books. Learn about film community in action and get excited for new experiences, actually living them. This was never who I thought I would be but very much wanted to be so.

I feel a high like no other, overstimulation and a need to isolate, watch brain rot all at the same time. But all this is worth it, to see this version of me which was once a distant dream.

All because I had one clear goal once that switch went on: I want to create my own world. Oh, how life has responded to me with open arms.

Of course, it has been a rocky road with complaints, queries, compliments and even suggestions for the universe. Even requests to rewind time (too many sci fi and Kdramas I guess). But I would not trade today for anything.

So much more to come and I feel so ready.

But first thing first – Isolation mode loading!

Life… A sentence in Death!

Death!...

What is there to say about this phenomenon that has not been already said.

The Gurus, our scriptures mark it as a happening of life, ending of one chapter, to begin anew.

A phase of life which has come to its fulfilment. Pick up a newspaper, a social media post and somewhere you will have at least one story depicting a violent end.

That’s all it is, an article, a phase in someone else’s life. That is, until it comes knocking near to you. And more so, when it takes someone dear to you, someone you thought you had all the time in the world with.

And suddenly, this sense of infinity is stripped from you.

You look at the body in front of you and are to contemplate this life that you were lucky to be a part of. You dare – even if for a moment – to face your own mortality.

My first encounter with death was as a child, a distinct memory as a 4 or 5-year-old, when on one of our family visits to Ratlam I had fallen seriously ill. My mother had to take me to the nearby hospital on a tonga. And there I saw a procession going by chanting “Ram naam satya hai”.

That scene has always stayed with me, watching it as a young child of course I did not understand much. I believe I thought it maybe my turn now – but that’s the adult me trying to go back and see what the “little” me was processing. Why do I have to force feed thoughts to this “little” me is beyond me.

But yes, as any normal human being would, I have had my fair share of attending these growing up.

As a child, I don’t think we process much and just feel the sadness around it. As an adult, everyone is busy asking the grieving person to be ‘strong’, ‘it is ok’… I know their heart is in the right place, but that is a load of ‘hollow advice’ in my eyes.

The loss and the void that comes with this are unfathomable, especially for the immediate family. For the world may not be aware, but I believe the collective consciousness is. So many lives touched just by the smile of one person.

It puts so many issues in perspective, even if temporarily. Every moment a life is realized and the next moment a life has reached its fulfillment. The world moves on and so do you. But Death, it has a way of staring at you no matter how much you may have turned away your face from it. It reminds you of its existence when you least expect it.

When you face the question of your own mortality, it is not you alone. Your age is also a reminder of the fragility of the lives around you. The moment when you see your loved ones and realize that time has sped up while you have been busy growing up.

You also have this daunting fact facing you, it is not the age / the health / the trajectory you are at that matters. It is simply when life has decided, you have had enough. And that can be at any moment, this moment as well.

And yet, here we are worried about a certain goal / trajectory to reach post which we may start to truly live rather than staying alive right now.

Quite frankly, I have had these ramblings with myself for quite some time now.

Death as much as I may fear it… for myself or for my near and dear ones (God forbid).

We do not conquer, run or hide from death. That is what is embedded in our psyche as a civilization. The “Gurus” teachings, our scriptures preaching.

So, the question remains, what do I want to see when death faces me: Do I welcome him as an old friend or a vengeful entity wanting to strip away my ego?

Truthfully, even this thought, this rambling is scary to me. To put down in words what I have thought of or been afraid of to think, to articulate, for a long time.

All I know is, I want no regrets, if that is possible. A human mind has its limits, dare I say and mine is wired to simple needs. A life lived, fulfilled with love to its fullest.

Grateful for the lives I have been a part of and that they were a part of mine.

To welcome death as an old friend, when its eyes provide me with a mirror of my life all I see is a life lived and loved to its fullest.

Faith within, calm in mind, love in my heart, for this end I am willing to work hard. I know it is easier said than done, but the intent matters, showing up matters and rest is up to God.

As above, Not so below...

What do i write, when there is nothing to write?

How do I write when there are no words to flow?

The waiting ink, my aching heart, oh so many memories I go through and from which I depart....

No words can sum up this feeling in my mind and the thoughts in my heart...

Oh, how do I write when words fall apart?

Perception and its plays

Peace, like human behaviour, is subjective and varies with each individual.

I want my friends to take control of their lives, go out, feel the sun, be so much more than they are now.

For this I have never fought with them, I find that a waste of my time and energy. I make my thoughts clear on what I feel they should action.

However, with experience and with time I have learnt, it can be construed as something else. That same friend can convolute your care as something else in their mind and try to impose their own distorted feelings, misplaced traumas unto you. Some one else whom you may deem as a good friend, may just ignore you altogether. And as per your interpretation, none of them have the decency to respect you.

But then again, when you look deep into yourself, wanting to do what you feel is best for you, if that means cutting off someone who leeches on with warped intentions to you, if that means taking a step back from the friendship that starts feeling more like a burden than a blooming flower, is when you realize – maybe, just maybe, you have not respected them as well.

In your high mightiness of self (can be due to your upbringing, your current goals which you are working towards, so much more but all sub conscious more than conscious) you have judged them and looked down on them for not taking the obvious action in the situation they are in and just cut off the root.

Oh how easy it is to judge a life you have not lived, a life that’s gone through ups and downs parallel to yours in this world, yes, but has had its own challenges. You judge someone for not doing the obvious as per your perception, disregarding the life that has lived and gone through the challenges.

One is now on the way to a faraway place to fulfill their goal, while you would overthink everything before even taking a solo trip kind of a decision. Solo movies, café dates, yes… But you would overthink a 1000 times and be paralyzed as many times before even doing something so outrageous for yourself. Even when you know it will relieve you of so much dependence in the mind.

The other can do what they want really, as long as they do not impose their nonsense unto me. But are a friend nevertheless and you will always wish them well.

If any of them read this, I guess I am done for but all the best guys – always rooting for you!

Anyhow, the point here is, I have judged not only these but I am guessing many people while myself standing on a high pedestal. It is possible I am on that pedestal right now, judging myself while writing this. If that’s the case – Hi there, Judgement buddy, how about you take a space ship to mars and never come back. Thanks!

It is so easy for a third person to look at some one and go: You know I believe you are to do X for Y result. I have had people judge me, walking on the road. Can see it in their eyes once they have looked at me up to down and spotted the bent knee issue.

While I walk, run, all will come and say you are an inspiration. Well, dude its knock knees not end of the world for me to stop walking, what’s your excuse? The scooter / bike to a place which will take 10 mins to reach by walk?

We all have many a times judged some one else, Maybe call this a aging game. Lol.

But to open your perception beyond your understanding, to actually look at someone and understand the challenging trajectory they had. More than sympathy we need more of empathy, to recognize the challenges a person may have had and not to impose our own misplaced solutions on them. In that sense, am I not the leech trying to get some kind of a high all and know all recognition from them?

This far sightedness, does this come in a day? No.

It takes work to look at yourself, while you always saw your flaws, you ignored them, so to embrace them and work on them where you can. Isn’t this what we expect of ourselves and of others.

Yet in our treatment of others we are the opposite and demand exactly what we do not give.

I know I have a long way to go, the people around me have been very patient with the myopic view I have had and now its time to give myself the same patience to work on myself (my circle of control) and same patience to be there for my people in times of their need while they work on themselves.

Truthfully, that is what I can do best as of now.

Be there for myself, in turn show up for them.

In essence, they have to find their own version of peace and so do I. This holds true not just for them, but also for the ones I hold very dear.