Nazarein dhokha hai…

Nazaron ka matlab shareer pe lagi yeh do aankhen yahan wahan dekhti, nahi hoti.

Nazarein toh woh hain jo in aankhon ke peeche rehti hain,

Sochti aur samajhti hain…

Kisine kuch kaha toh who soch ya apna li, pasand nahi aaya toh thukra di.

Sab apni likes aur dislikes pe hi nirbhar hai.

 

Kisi ko apni nazaron se kisi ke liye chahat dikhti hai,

Uss kisiko unn hi nazaron mein khud par aane waali qayamat dikhti hai,

Qayamat chahat ki nahi, chahat se dur koso dur izzat ki kami dikhti hai…

 

Koi kehta hai yeh sahi, koi kehta hai who sahi hai,

Janaab yahaan toh hum khud nahi jaante ki hum kitne sahi hai…

 

Kisine keh diya insaani putle ho, galtiyon ka samundar ho,

Humne bhi maan liya, khud ko samundar…

Galtiyon ka ya khurafaton ka woh toh waqt hi batayega…

 

Shayad waqt batayega, par pehle poocha toh apni nazaron se jaayega…

Koshish hai  roz ki, apni nazaron mein kam galat hone ki,

Gairon ki nazarein unko Mubarak ho, yeh duniya padhi hai unke liye,

Ek hum hi thodi na hain akele…

 

Nazarein dhokha hain, Jab gairon ka aetbaar kare aur khud se na wafaa kare…

Farmabardaar nazarein bhi koi khaas saath nahi deti…

Nazar bas uski ho jiska sahara hai, yehi toh nazarein hain,

Yehi toh nazarein hain, jinhein dekh kar duniya mein chalte rehne ka yakeen hai,

Aur khud ki nazaron ko nazar mein rakhne ka aasra hai… 

नज़रें धोखा हैं…

नज़रों का मतलब शरीर पे लगी ये दो आँखें यहाँ-वहाँ देखती, नहीं होती।

नज़रें तो वो हैं जो इन आँखों के पीछे रहती हैं,
सोचती और समझती हैं…
किसी ने कुछ कहा तो वो सोच या अपना ली,
पसंद नहीं आया तो ठुकरा दी।
सब अपनी लाइक्स और डिसलाइक्स पे ही निर्भर है।

किसी को अपनी नज़रों से किसी के लिए चाहत दिखती है,
उस किसी को उन्हीं नज़रों में ख़ुद पर आने वाली क़यामत दिखती है,
क़यामत चाहत की नहीं, चाहत से दूर कोसों दूर इज़्ज़त की कमी दिखती है…

कोई कहता है ये सही, कोई कहता है वो सही है,
जनाब यहाँ तो हम ख़ुद नहीं जानते कि हम कितने सही हैं…

किसी ने कह दिया इंसानी पुतले हो, ग़लतियों का समुंदर हो,
हमने भी मान लिया, ख़ुद को समुंदर…
ग़लतियों का या ख़ुराफ़ातों का, वो तो वक़्त ही बताएगा…

शायद वक़्त बताएगा, पर पहले पूछा तो अपनी नज़रों से जाएगा…
कोशिश है रोज़ की, अपनी नज़रों में कम ग़लत होने की,
ग़ैरों की नज़रें उनको मुबारक हों, ये दुनिया पड़ी है उनके लिए,
एक हम ही थोड़ी ना हैं अकेले…

नज़रें धोखा हैं, जब ग़ैरों का ऐतबार करें और ख़ुद से न वफ़ा करें…
फ़रमाबरदार नज़रें भी कोई ख़ास साथ नहीं देतीं…
नज़र बस उसकी हो जिसका सहारा है, यही तो नज़रें हैं,
यही तो नज़रें हैं, जिन्हें देख कर दुनिया में चलते रहने का यक़ीन है,
और ख़ुद की नज़रों को नज़र में रखने का आसरा है…

कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…

 

*कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…**

कड़वी काफ़ी और मीठी ज़िंदगी, यह कॉम्बिनेशन ही कुछ और है

कॉफी का कड़वापन आहिस्ता जैसे ज़िंदगी में घुलता है,

ज़िंदगी का ज़ायका वैसे थोड़ा सर चढ़ बोलता है…

मीठी ज़िंदगी चाहिए मुझे, पर क्या बताएँ?

क्या बताएँ कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने!!!

कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने,

शुगर-फ़्री का ज़माना है, ज़ीरो शुगर पे ज़िंदगी चलाना है,

यह करें तो मुश्किल, वो करें तो हाय मेरा दिल…

उफ़, थक गई मैं इतना सोचते, चलो कोई नहीं…

चलो कोई नहीं, मिल बैठ के यारों के साथ हम कॉफी पी लेते…

कड़वी कॉफी की एक चुस्की का दम, और भूल गए ज़िंदगी के सारे ग़म…

बात तो है यह पते की है, कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

दोनों का चस्का जो एक बार लगा ले, उस महक को साँसों में बसा ले,

आँखें खुल जाती हैं, ज़िंदगी दिख जाती है (2)…

क्या बताऊँ साहिब, क्या-क्या मसले हैं,

जो जागी हूँ तो ख़बर पढ़ी (2)

मुझ में और मेरी ख़्वाहिशों में कितने फ़ासले हैं…

पर चुप हो बैठना नहीं, सब कुछ मन में रख सहना नहीं

चल पड़ी हूँ अब उस मीठे से लक्ष्य की ओर…

पर उससे पहले… उससे पहले क्यों न फिर हो जाए,

**एक प्याली कड़वी-सी कॉफी…**

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai…

Kadwi kaafi aur meethi zindagi, yeh combination hi kuch aur hai

Coffee ka kadwapan ahista jaise zindagi mein ghulta hai,

Zindagi ka zaika waise thoda sar chadh bolta hai…

Meethi Zindagi chahiye mujhe, par kya batayein?

Kya batayein kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsane!!!

Kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsaane,

Sugar free ka zamana hai, zero sugar pe zindagi chalana hai,

Yeh karein toh mushkil, who kare toh haaye mera dil…

Uff, thak gayi main itna sochte, chalo koi nahi…

Chalo koi nahi, mil baith ke yaaron ke saath hum coffee pee lete…

Kadwi coffee ki ek chuski ka dum, aur bhul gaye zindagi ke saare gam…

Baat toh hai yeh pate ki hai, coffee ho ya zindagi,

coffee ho ya zindagi,

dono ka chaska jo ek baar lagale, uss mehek ko saanson mein basaale, 

aankhein khul jaati hai, zindagi dikh jaati hai (2)…

Kya bataun sahib, kya kya masle hain, 

Jo jaagi huin toh khabar padhi (2)

Mujh mein aur meri khwahishon mein kitne faasle hain…

Par chup ho baithna nahi, sab kuch mann mein rakh sehna nahi

Chal padhi huin ab uss meethe se lakshya ki or…

Par usse pehle…. Usse pehle kyun nahi phir ho jaaye ,

Ek pyaali kadwi si coffee…

Inconsequential’s with consequences and new year reflections

Do you have a feeling that your time has been taken up, i.e., more than half your day taken up by the most inconsequential thing in life? But again, it is not inconsequential per say as much as a necessity.

This inconsequential thing is what allows you to sustain a lifestyle, dignity of a self-led life and demand more from life. Once it may have held consequence in your life in your quest to gain a semblance of life in a new city.

Now with the years gone by, with the ups and downs, working through burnouts, facing insecurities and trying to overcome them, same people by your side, you feel you have grown out of a space and the mindset, mostly the income as well.

However, you are reluctant to replace this. The complacency, the comfort and the known now scaring you, what scares you more is the other side. The unknown: What happens after this? Am I able to recover from this, replace the income which allowed me a sovereignty over my own life like no other?

These questions, can lead to a sort of mental paralysis and take my attention from the action to be taken.

That is exactly what has been happening. One thing AI is helpful in, is the fact that I can write out my feelings to understand what I am going through. Also helped in getting some answers.

Truthfully, I was aware what I am going through but feared it was ‘fear’ holding me back. Which now I understand is also me being practical. I am 39 after all, not a 25-year fresher. Of course, I have had my time laying back but that time, I was too busy day dreaming to think about life OR what actually I want in life.

Now, I just know I am growing out of the space that I once inhabited and it is not enough to hold me, mentally or financially.

But to grow out of somewhere, I may need to plan my steps, baby steps in fact. I am a work in progress I know, I am trying to make a way for myself that is for myself. To maintain my dignity and respect, not that the place does not give me so. Just that I have started valuing my sovereignty more than anything else.

You know the feeling get, it time to leave certain spaces and people behind. While I feel I may have been dragging on in a place where it is no longer required.

What do I do to get myself out of the rut that complacency creates? Can I just make rash decisions or take calculative steps that reflects my lived experience?

Will I be able to fully grow out of this constraint that I myself have created in the attraction of the comfort offered and create a space for myself which is mine, created for me?

Can I come back here and happily report a change and growth I did foresee, but this time was brave to take the steps required?

I have, technically, 361 days to secure a pass report… don’t I?

Checking back 2027!

 

Introversial to Overstimulation

Feeling overstimulated!

I am in essence an introvert for whom looking any person in the eye was a very challenging task until I knew them really well. I am the kind who would be “taken under the wing” by an extroverted friend and would see the world through their lens.

And at some point, in life a switch went on which said this ‘gotta’ change babe.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that you will always be second in someone else’s life (especially if they are your first priority), worst is knowing you will be last for everyone around (except your family).

That’s when it hits: You can be first only in your own life and build around that.

That does not mean you gather a bunch of followers to make sure you are first in everyone’s life. That will be a cult and not a friend group built on equality and mutual respect unfortunately.

Why is it important and enough to be ‘first’ in your own life?

Because this means you will always end up making the best possible decision for yourself no matter what the world says.

If it’s elders in family guilt tripping you to accept a ‘rishta’ which will never come again OR anyone trying to force / project / impose their feelings unto you by manipulating you in the name of ‘psychology’ – worse – “body language”.

Gradually you tend to find your footing, navigating these tricky situations, getting your family on your side and living with some necessary ‘evils’, if required to get your way around this world.

Does it mean I am selfish? Maybe so. Am I guilty of it? No. Why?

It is because of one core belief that I follow from my highly introvert to today’s high functioning introvert days – Simple thinking, peaceful living since other is hell.

Be yourself, true. But be your most conscientious true self to the best of your ability at any given point in time. In other words, know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction: Awareness at all times.

This has helped me reach where I am today, mentally. Going to a book club and mingling with a group of strangers over coffee and books. Learn about film community in action and get excited for new experiences, actually living them. This was never who I thought I would be but very much wanted to be so.

I feel a high like no other, overstimulation and a need to isolate, watch brain rot all at the same time. But all this is worth it, to see this version of me which was once a distant dream.

All because I had one clear goal once that switch went on: I want to create my own world. Oh, how life has responded to me with open arms.

Of course, it has been a rocky road with complaints, queries, compliments and even suggestions for the universe. Even requests to rewind time (too many sci fi and Kdramas I guess). But I would not trade today for anything.

So much more to come and I feel so ready.

But first thing first – Isolation mode loading!

Life… A sentence in Death!

Death!...

What is there to say about this phenomenon that has not been already said.

The Gurus, our scriptures mark it as a happening of life, ending of one chapter, to begin anew.

A phase of life which has come to its fulfilment. Pick up a newspaper, a social media post and somewhere you will have at least one story depicting a violent end.

That’s all it is, an article, a phase in someone else’s life. That is, until it comes knocking near to you. And more so, when it takes someone dear to you, someone you thought you had all the time in the world with.

And suddenly, this sense of infinity is stripped from you.

You look at the body in front of you and are to contemplate this life that you were lucky to be a part of. You dare – even if for a moment – to face your own mortality.

My first encounter with death was as a child, a distinct memory as a 4 or 5-year-old, when on one of our family visits to Ratlam I had fallen seriously ill. My mother had to take me to the nearby hospital on a tonga. And there I saw a procession going by chanting “Ram naam satya hai”.

That scene has always stayed with me, watching it as a young child of course I did not understand much. I believe I thought it maybe my turn now – but that’s the adult me trying to go back and see what the “little” me was processing. Why do I have to force feed thoughts to this “little” me is beyond me.

But yes, as any normal human being would, I have had my fair share of attending these growing up.

As a child, I don’t think we process much and just feel the sadness around it. As an adult, everyone is busy asking the grieving person to be ‘strong’, ‘it is ok’… I know their heart is in the right place, but that is a load of ‘hollow advice’ in my eyes.

The loss and the void that comes with this are unfathomable, especially for the immediate family. For the world may not be aware, but I believe the collective consciousness is. So many lives touched just by the smile of one person.

It puts so many issues in perspective, even if temporarily. Every moment a life is realized and the next moment a life has reached its fulfillment. The world moves on and so do you. But Death, it has a way of staring at you no matter how much you may have turned away your face from it. It reminds you of its existence when you least expect it.

When you face the question of your own mortality, it is not you alone. Your age is also a reminder of the fragility of the lives around you. The moment when you see your loved ones and realize that time has sped up while you have been busy growing up.

You also have this daunting fact facing you, it is not the age / the health / the trajectory you are at that matters. It is simply when life has decided, you have had enough. And that can be at any moment, this moment as well.

And yet, here we are worried about a certain goal / trajectory to reach post which we may start to truly live rather than staying alive right now.

Quite frankly, I have had these ramblings with myself for quite some time now.

Death as much as I may fear it… for myself or for my near and dear ones (God forbid).

We do not conquer, run or hide from death. That is what is embedded in our psyche as a civilization. The “Gurus” teachings, our scriptures preaching.

So, the question remains, what do I want to see when death faces me: Do I welcome him as an old friend or a vengeful entity wanting to strip away my ego?

Truthfully, even this thought, this rambling is scary to me. To put down in words what I have thought of or been afraid of to think, to articulate, for a long time.

All I know is, I want no regrets, if that is possible. A human mind has its limits, dare I say and mine is wired to simple needs. A life lived, fulfilled with love to its fullest.

Grateful for the lives I have been a part of and that they were a part of mine.

To welcome death as an old friend, when its eyes provide me with a mirror of my life all I see is a life lived and loved to its fullest.

Faith within, calm in mind, love in my heart, for this end I am willing to work hard. I know it is easier said than done, but the intent matters, showing up matters and rest is up to God.