The aging conundrum!

 

They say your parents are aging, be mindful of them and conscientious towards them.

Be gracious for all they have given you in your life.

 

And mostly, 95% at least I am. I lie, its 99%. The 1 % there is that hurts, because guess what, even I am aging…

The difference? They are 20 odd years ahead and have experienced more of the world.

I am as proven behind and yet to experience the full world. Though I doubt anyone experiences a full world. We experience a “full” world from our lens only so that may technically be an incorrect term.

Anyhoo, the point being: Yes, the parents are aging and as they grow old they become rigid with some ideas and beliefs. Its either their way or the highway. From what I hear, its almost always the case with certain parents, aging or not.

Back to the point, I am lucky enough to have conscientious parents and I thank god daily for this blessing bestowed only. But does that mean I am satisfied?

Nope!

Why?

Maybe, because I am a freaking human and I will always crave for more.

The point being, I understand that with aging certain challenges arise and am seeing that happen in front of my eyes. When I counter an incorrect argument or defy something I do not have patience for, or be a plain cranky big ass baby, my question is this:

Yes, parents are aging and so are we? Especially in an Indian setting and when you are a 30 above unmarried woman wanting to live life on her terms. You live with your family, you ensure everyone is comfortable with your choices and yet when you want to indulge in something you have to be answerable for that.

When does it stop? Will it ever? Parents keep saying you will always be our baby, but the same parents are throwing you into the world and making you work for things you want to indulge in and then when they do not agree with the said indulgence the emotional blackmail / lecture is set to come your way.

If you don’t listen, do not think you need to point your forth as well ( since you are a grown ass adult) you are taken as a cranky person. If you put forth your point, you end up explaining and draining the energy so much more than required.

The things is, I have come to realize there is a middle way, one which you can take and that depends on your situation, but something you made up.

Because there will be days when its ugly, days where its pretty, when its all just right and a day when it will all be gone. Then, you will be left hanging and yearning for those days and contemplating why did you ever waste so much time despising those days, the ugly will look pretty that far off.

And what do you do then? You just wait out the days and make the best of your life. If you’re lucky and in your next life you have an upgraded version of these days, of the protection you once lost, you are in for a treat. Otherwise, you are done.

That’s pretty far off. What does writing or thinking about it achieve for me?

I get to make a silent decision, let me have these days while I can: the ugly, the good and just right ones. Let me take some more advantage of the protection that I have been blessed with while I can.

Let me just for this ones be cranky because until my parents are there I do not have to be a rightful adult. I can be a cranky ass grown up woman demanding the world now to me.

Only because right now I have the luxury to be what I can and how I want it to be.

POV: Life!

 

There are times when I want the third person perspective. I am especially curious to know what a person meeting me thinks of me, what do they look at, what judgement crosses their mind?

Judging someone by their appearance is not new and all of us are bound to do it. But for me, its not just the looks, the way someone carries themselves is what matters.

Due to this I have actively worked on myself, to carry myself the way I want to perceive or be perceived.

I have heard terms like – ameer log, high maintenance for myself and I am left somewhat wondering the reason for these adjectives to be related to me.

So I do get curious, what does this person think of me. When I walk the street, disdain on some people’s faces, the trajectory of their eyes quite clear to me.

First, they see the face and if I do say myself it is a conventionally charming, not so average face. The body – well that can be one point. The moment these set of eyes trail down looking at my legs settling on my knock knees. No guesses what one might be thinking, if nothing else mostly it will be indifference or pity or just a pitiful remark in one’s mind.

Those who I speak with, close with or speak in passing they see the face, the body yes but they see my work and appearance as well.

As I said, over the years I have learnt to be presentable enough in my own simplistic elegance (look at me being my own mithoo). I have the privilege of staying in a comfortable home with my family and drive a nice car. All thanks to my parents, of course.

Speaking as a 39 year old single woman staying with your parents who not only respect your individuality but also try to learn if you raise a grievance, I have come to realize this life that I have is a luxury for many and I mean all genders.

So when looking from the outside, I realize many would think and I would say so myself – Oh! What a bloody easy life (God Bless and willing: Buri nazar waale tera muin kaala).

But did it start that way, no. Was it always a breeze for me: Hell no.

Let me be clear, my starting point has always been relatively easy and I realize that. But did that make it easier to deal with some of my melancholic / depressive / lazy ass in built characteristics – for my parents, sure as hell: NO.

What changed?

Something clicked when I shifted schools from CBSE to open schooling (story for some other day).

Then again click click when I moved to India, leaving a city like Dubai where in was my ultra comfort zone, that being extroverted people adopting the highly introverted me as their pet friend and I living a passively satisfying life.

Took one shift to india, years of a job search and a culture shock at every juncture for me to realize the people here were not as welcoming as the people back home in Dubai. Here each for your own, either you talk for yourself or no one talks for you: so to say adopts you as a introverted pet friend.

Not to mention, I was tired of passively passing through life, I wanted the front seat to my own life. The work it took and embarrassing moments that brought me to where I am today are plenty.

And no, I am not going to go word by word on those embarrassing stories, those are for me and my god when I face him and ask: Babaaaaa yeh maine kya kiya. Lol.

Point being, it was not easy but it was not difficult, I found that once I had made up my mind and took 1 step towards changing or rather upgrading some parts of my personality, the universe opened doors for me.

With each step I took I grew within myself. Now, when I tell someone I am a high functioning introvert, they are taken aback by this claim of mine.

What did this make me realize?

When we hold up ourselves accountable and act towards our requirements / goals / needs whatever they maybe, the universe responds like no other friend would.

What helped?

Supportive family, background or rather the foundation in my life of Satsang or as I refer to it: Spiritual psychology, my faith in my god translated to my faith in myself.

Was it easy?

Maybe at the time it would have been uncomfortable but when I look back all I can say is easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Hindsight changes so much of the perception on life.

My POV:

Yes, life is easy but am I without grievances and regrets. No.

Got some news buddy, no one is.

Take away:

All of us, no matter where we started or are currently are doing the best possible for our lives.

Reason for the curiosity for onlookers:

Chull… As simple as that. Chull for observations and understanding.

Final thoughts:

This lazy yet curious soul is grateful for the life given and wishes everyone had it easy.

But we all get our starting points, what we do not get is a right to judge someone else.

No matter, I will work towards living a full life.

Nazarein dhokha hai…

Nazaron ka matlab shareer pe lagi yeh do aankhen yahan wahan dekhti, nahi hoti.

Nazarein toh woh hain jo in aankhon ke peeche rehti hain,

Sochti aur samajhti hain…

Kisine kuch kaha toh who soch ya apna li, pasand nahi aaya toh thukra di.

Sab apni likes aur dislikes pe hi nirbhar hai.

 

Kisi ko apni nazaron se kisi ke liye chahat dikhti hai,

Uss kisiko unn hi nazaron mein khud par aane waali qayamat dikhti hai,

Qayamat chahat ki nahi, chahat se dur koso dur izzat ki kami dikhti hai…

 

Koi kehta hai yeh sahi, koi kehta hai who sahi hai,

Janaab yahaan toh hum khud nahi jaante ki hum kitne sahi hai…

 

Kisine keh diya insaani putle ho, galtiyon ka samundar ho,

Humne bhi maan liya, khud ko samundar…

Galtiyon ka ya khurafaton ka woh toh waqt hi batayega…

 

Shayad waqt batayega, par pehle poocha toh apni nazaron se jaayega…

Koshish hai  roz ki, apni nazaron mein kam galat hone ki,

Gairon ki nazarein unko Mubarak ho, yeh duniya padhi hai unke liye,

Ek hum hi thodi na hain akele…

 

Nazarein dhokha hain, Jab gairon ka aetbaar kare aur khud se na wafaa kare…

Farmabardaar nazarein bhi koi khaas saath nahi deti…

Nazar bas uski ho jiska sahara hai, yehi toh nazarein hain,

Yehi toh nazarein hain, jinhein dekh kar duniya mein chalte rehne ka yakeen hai,

Aur khud ki nazaron ko nazar mein rakhne ka aasra hai… 

नज़रें धोखा हैं…

नज़रों का मतलब शरीर पे लगी ये दो आँखें यहाँ-वहाँ देखती, नहीं होती।

नज़रें तो वो हैं जो इन आँखों के पीछे रहती हैं,
सोचती और समझती हैं…
किसी ने कुछ कहा तो वो सोच या अपना ली,
पसंद नहीं आया तो ठुकरा दी।
सब अपनी लाइक्स और डिसलाइक्स पे ही निर्भर है।

किसी को अपनी नज़रों से किसी के लिए चाहत दिखती है,
उस किसी को उन्हीं नज़रों में ख़ुद पर आने वाली क़यामत दिखती है,
क़यामत चाहत की नहीं, चाहत से दूर कोसों दूर इज़्ज़त की कमी दिखती है…

कोई कहता है ये सही, कोई कहता है वो सही है,
जनाब यहाँ तो हम ख़ुद नहीं जानते कि हम कितने सही हैं…

किसी ने कह दिया इंसानी पुतले हो, ग़लतियों का समुंदर हो,
हमने भी मान लिया, ख़ुद को समुंदर…
ग़लतियों का या ख़ुराफ़ातों का, वो तो वक़्त ही बताएगा…

शायद वक़्त बताएगा, पर पहले पूछा तो अपनी नज़रों से जाएगा…
कोशिश है रोज़ की, अपनी नज़रों में कम ग़लत होने की,
ग़ैरों की नज़रें उनको मुबारक हों, ये दुनिया पड़ी है उनके लिए,
एक हम ही थोड़ी ना हैं अकेले…

नज़रें धोखा हैं, जब ग़ैरों का ऐतबार करें और ख़ुद से न वफ़ा करें…
फ़रमाबरदार नज़रें भी कोई ख़ास साथ नहीं देतीं…
नज़र बस उसकी हो जिसका सहारा है, यही तो नज़रें हैं,
यही तो नज़रें हैं, जिन्हें देख कर दुनिया में चलते रहने का यक़ीन है,
और ख़ुद की नज़रों को नज़र में रखने का आसरा है…

कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…

 

*कॉफी काफ़ी कड़वी है…**

कड़वी काफ़ी और मीठी ज़िंदगी, यह कॉम्बिनेशन ही कुछ और है

कॉफी का कड़वापन आहिस्ता जैसे ज़िंदगी में घुलता है,

ज़िंदगी का ज़ायका वैसे थोड़ा सर चढ़ बोलता है…

मीठी ज़िंदगी चाहिए मुझे, पर क्या बताएँ?

क्या बताएँ कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने!!!

कितने हैं फ़साने, अजब गजब अफ़साने,

शुगर-फ़्री का ज़माना है, ज़ीरो शुगर पे ज़िंदगी चलाना है,

यह करें तो मुश्किल, वो करें तो हाय मेरा दिल…

उफ़, थक गई मैं इतना सोचते, चलो कोई नहीं…

चलो कोई नहीं, मिल बैठ के यारों के साथ हम कॉफी पी लेते…

कड़वी कॉफी की एक चुस्की का दम, और भूल गए ज़िंदगी के सारे ग़म…

बात तो है यह पते की है, कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

कॉफी हो या ज़िंदगी,

दोनों का चस्का जो एक बार लगा ले, उस महक को साँसों में बसा ले,

आँखें खुल जाती हैं, ज़िंदगी दिख जाती है (2)…

क्या बताऊँ साहिब, क्या-क्या मसले हैं,

जो जागी हूँ तो ख़बर पढ़ी (2)

मुझ में और मेरी ख़्वाहिशों में कितने फ़ासले हैं…

पर चुप हो बैठना नहीं, सब कुछ मन में रख सहना नहीं

चल पड़ी हूँ अब उस मीठे से लक्ष्य की ओर…

पर उससे पहले… उससे पहले क्यों न फिर हो जाए,

**एक प्याली कड़वी-सी कॉफी…**

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai

Coffee kaafi kadwi hai…

Kadwi kaafi aur meethi zindagi, yeh combination hi kuch aur hai

Coffee ka kadwapan ahista jaise zindagi mein ghulta hai,

Zindagi ka zaika waise thoda sar chadh bolta hai…

Meethi Zindagi chahiye mujhe, par kya batayein?

Kya batayein kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsane!!!

Kitne hai fasane, ajab gajab afsaane,

Sugar free ka zamana hai, zero sugar pe zindagi chalana hai,

Yeh karein toh mushkil, who kare toh haaye mera dil…

Uff, thak gayi main itna sochte, chalo koi nahi…

Chalo koi nahi, mil baith ke yaaron ke saath hum coffee pee lete…

Kadwi coffee ki ek chuski ka dum, aur bhul gaye zindagi ke saare gam…

Baat toh hai yeh pate ki hai, coffee ho ya zindagi,

coffee ho ya zindagi,

dono ka chaska jo ek baar lagale, uss mehek ko saanson mein basaale, 

aankhein khul jaati hai, zindagi dikh jaati hai (2)…

Kya bataun sahib, kya kya masle hain, 

Jo jaagi huin toh khabar padhi (2)

Mujh mein aur meri khwahishon mein kitne faasle hain…

Par chup ho baithna nahi, sab kuch mann mein rakh sehna nahi

Chal padhi huin ab uss meethe se lakshya ki or…

Par usse pehle…. Usse pehle kyun nahi phir ho jaaye ,

Ek pyaali kadwi si coffee…

Inconsequential’s with consequences and new year reflections

Do you have a feeling that your time has been taken up, i.e., more than half your day taken up by the most inconsequential thing in life? But again, it is not inconsequential per say as much as a necessity.

This inconsequential thing is what allows you to sustain a lifestyle, dignity of a self-led life and demand more from life. Once it may have held consequence in your life in your quest to gain a semblance of life in a new city.

Now with the years gone by, with the ups and downs, working through burnouts, facing insecurities and trying to overcome them, same people by your side, you feel you have grown out of a space and the mindset, mostly the income as well.

However, you are reluctant to replace this. The complacency, the comfort and the known now scaring you, what scares you more is the other side. The unknown: What happens after this? Am I able to recover from this, replace the income which allowed me a sovereignty over my own life like no other?

These questions, can lead to a sort of mental paralysis and take my attention from the action to be taken.

That is exactly what has been happening. One thing AI is helpful in, is the fact that I can write out my feelings to understand what I am going through. Also helped in getting some answers.

Truthfully, I was aware what I am going through but feared it was ‘fear’ holding me back. Which now I understand is also me being practical. I am 39 after all, not a 25-year fresher. Of course, I have had my time laying back but that time, I was too busy day dreaming to think about life OR what actually I want in life.

Now, I just know I am growing out of the space that I once inhabited and it is not enough to hold me, mentally or financially.

But to grow out of somewhere, I may need to plan my steps, baby steps in fact. I am a work in progress I know, I am trying to make a way for myself that is for myself. To maintain my dignity and respect, not that the place does not give me so. Just that I have started valuing my sovereignty more than anything else.

You know the feeling get, it time to leave certain spaces and people behind. While I feel I may have been dragging on in a place where it is no longer required.

What do I do to get myself out of the rut that complacency creates? Can I just make rash decisions or take calculative steps that reflects my lived experience?

Will I be able to fully grow out of this constraint that I myself have created in the attraction of the comfort offered and create a space for myself which is mine, created for me?

Can I come back here and happily report a change and growth I did foresee, but this time was brave to take the steps required?

I have, technically, 361 days to secure a pass report… don’t I?

Checking back 2027!