I want to keep writing...
But how? Do I continue with life experiences OR draw up a story somewhere?
Until now my focus has been to write and publish every week. And true to that, every week I had something write about.
This week however, I am at a loss. Why?
Maybe, I have not sat and observed the week in solitude as I usually do?
Or there has been so much going on, that I have not had the time to sit with it and go through it. This is despite me taking the whole Diwali week off from work. It was precisely to put together my thoughts on my focus areas. Exactly what I have been unable to do.
Do I blame the family who saw the free time I had and decided to put it to use on #DiwaliSafai by which time if i finished i had no inclination to write OR the cousins who were sweet to come and visit post Diwali. Through them I got to go back to some of my favorite places in Pune, to show them around.
Or is it me, who was available all the while and when I did complain, it was on such inconsequential things (since I wanted to keep private the reason for this leave) that they just decided to shut me up and ignore my tantrums?
Family settings, especially with Indians, if you live with your parents - tend to bring out the best and worst in you. The best makes you feel all gooey, grateful. Its the worst of you that makes it uncomfortable.
You start to question your sanity, if you are human to even think against your parents (the great Indian dilemma) or rather you are just a docile being who has surrendered to the situation and try to make the best of it.
Does this make the family a villain, if that's so then I maybe the vamp I so detested once (cue Komolika music- Nikaaaa). But wanting to draw boundaries can lead to being a vamp- No.
And it certainly is more in my mind (grown up on too much indian drama i guess- 90's and 2000's - Ekta kapoor, i blame you.) Sigh!
Nevertheless, all it takes is one step towards open communication with your mother and she will turn out to be the biggest supporter of you. Well that's my mom, at least. She would adjust herself to align with your goals (I mean me of course). But once she just voices her insecurity / opinion / need, she suddenly is the villain of my life.
Listening to many people I understand how lucky I am and having been privy to many life experiences I can gather not all are that lucky. Does luck have something to do with this though... Or is it the "Karma" as so well put of our past lives?
I certainly do not have these answers. I mean if past lives do exist and we are given a look into our own "Raaz pichle janam ka" I doubt we will remain sane once we have seen that. So let suspense be suspenseful?! And work with what you have got.
The thing is, we all are centered around our own lives, even while living in one home / one room with family. To us, we are the heroes, the knight in shining armor - if you may, for the family. But the truth is, we each our own shining light, yes. But that light at times dims down, that's when we need the light of our family to shine on to us until our light comes back.
We all know this, I certainly understand this and yet, there are times that negative thoughts do come in, the rant (which this post may as well be) also sets in. The moment when you understand you are victimizing yourself and creating drama in your own head. And no, you do not need to look out or at other people to be grateful for your life's pros'. For that matter, being born and staying in the country, you're at as well.
What is needed is to center yourself, gather and observe the thoughts, let go of the one's that do not serve you.
Oh, if only it was easier done than said.
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