I am not fine – Main theek nahi huin

Chaar shabd hindi mein, Four words in English – a simple sentence and yet so difficult to say, that I am writing it instead of saying it to someone I want to.

I want to cry but my tears come to the fore and dry,

I want to complain but before I can, their complaint reaches me first,

I want to empathize with myself but I can only think of them,

The blow I felt did not break anything but has gotten hold of something,

The attack I made, broke a system in them – I could see it so clearly.

And yet, I am not guilty of where I stand, I somehow knew this was to be, one day maybe.

The one day turned out to be the other day for me.

I am not sure of what I should console myself?

Breaking a heart, but mine was broken too!

Crossing a boundary head high with respect, but my boundary was crossed too with no respect.

I see clearly and yet there is a fog that dampens the heart.

For what should I shed these tears? The question boggles me and stops me from a release.

And here I am writing it down, because I won’t say it out loud – I am not fine, Main theek nahi huin.