To be or Not to be… Analyzing the idea of “Me”

I have grown up in Dubai, a secured and a silent childhood.

There have been times during childhood I felt And yet wanting to feel the zest for life.

For much of my childhood in Dubai I had an idea of the ideal person I wanted to become.

It helped that the ideal person was in front of me, I would copy all their moves and tried to be like them.

Everyone praised them, using them as an example on how should one be. I was starry-eyed, pretending to be them whenever they weren’t around stepping into their place, hoping to fill it.

Much of childhood and teens went with this ideology of mine. Until I failed in my 10^th grade and had to switch to open schooling since I could not work my way around with Math.

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise for I discovered Psychology. The book we had was basic of course.

But the idea of to know thyself and know the world aligned with my Satsang ideology (spiritual learnings). Though I did not pursue the subject as an area of study and was rather uninterested in the experiments or theories, I began observing the human behavior. The behavior of me.

It was at best rudimentary but a start nonetheless. I had just started discovering myself beyond this idea that I had to be like a certain person to have a happy life, the time came to shift to India.

The shift to Pune OR the shift within:

Without getting into details, this was a family decision and was one for getting me married as quickly as possible. Being the ever compliant elder daughter, I was with no sense of self and happily agreed a to the idea. Without much thought of consequences for myself.

Starting (Restarting) my life in Pune, a shift came about OR rather something within me began to rise. I was permanently with the person I idealized and the world they had here, was of their own with little space for me.

For me, my idea of self were the family and this person, whatever these people said had to be truth and my thoughts are just that – thoughts.

But observing that person continuously while still feeling the connect to them, you start realizing the hand you’re dealt. The fact stares you right at your face that you will always be second, third or maybe last option for everyone around, And while you copied them, you are not you.

When I am me, it may not align with many of the traits of that person.

This realization hits more, when you gather the teachings of Satsang: A rose has to be a rose, a sunflower cannot be a Rose.

I understood I had to build my own path, my own world. And when I joined a new environment like a new job, I realized my incapability’s. Because I was a shy awkward introvert who always was in a world created by others and was just orbiting there. I had led myself to a space where I had become dependent on others for friendships and many other things.

This led me to decide to bring the changes required and to break out of this shell. I did not want to change my core, but a shift in my approach that had till now been a hindrance to my own self.

It led to good decisions. And, of course a few questionable ones (one of which I’m still paying for... healing and letting go from that too… lol). The truth is, it hasn’t been easy.

Not being a shy, reserved introvert.

Not breaking out of that shell.

And certainly not facing the consequences of that transformation - embracing them fully and owning them.

NOW:

Now I find myself at a cross road of what I once was, fully realizing that I am where I prayed to once be.

Creating a world of mine, No longer a copy or a shadow of someone else. Finally, me.

My eyes are full of stars, my mind full of ideas.
I’m aware of my limitations but also of where I now want to go.

And yet, I am still pulled by two worlds: the what could have been in Dubai, and the life I’ve shaped in Pune. This duality is both interesting and, at times, frustrating.

This comes with a weight of awareness, also carrying hope of what can be.

With starry eyes and wonder for life, I go forward on this path – a future curated for me and lovingly supported by the one I believe in.

And when it all gets a little too much, I will close my eyes, breathe and believe:

If the idea exists, so does the path.
If I am where I am today with no clear roadmap of how I got here, it means I was guided.
And if I was guided then, I’ll be guided now.
I will go beyond what I think I’m capable of.
I can feel it... in my bones.