To be or Not to be… Analyzing the idea of “Me”

I have grown up in Dubai, a secured and a silent childhood.

There have been times during childhood I felt And yet wanting to feel the zest for life.

For much of my childhood in Dubai I had an idea of the ideal person I wanted to become.

It helped that the ideal person was in front of me, I would copy all their moves and tried to be like them.

Everyone praised them, using them as an example on how should one be. I was starry-eyed, pretending to be them whenever they weren’t around stepping into their place, hoping to fill it.

Much of childhood and teens went with this ideology of mine. Until I failed in my 10^th grade and had to switch to open schooling since I could not work my way around with Math.

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise for I discovered Psychology. The book we had was basic of course.

But the idea of to know thyself and know the world aligned with my Satsang ideology (spiritual learnings). Though I did not pursue the subject as an area of study and was rather uninterested in the experiments or theories, I began observing the human behavior. The behavior of me.

It was at best rudimentary but a start nonetheless. I had just started discovering myself beyond this idea that I had to be like a certain person to have a happy life, the time came to shift to India.

The shift to Pune OR the shift within:

Without getting into details, this was a family decision and was one for getting me married as quickly as possible. Being the ever compliant elder daughter, I was with no sense of self and happily agreed a to the idea. Without much thought of consequences for myself.

Starting (Restarting) my life in Pune, a shift came about OR rather something within me began to rise. I was permanently with the person I idealized and the world they had here, was of their own with little space for me.

For me, my idea of self were the family and this person, whatever these people said had to be truth and my thoughts are just that – thoughts.

But observing that person continuously while still feeling the connect to them, you start realizing the hand you’re dealt. The fact stares you right at your face that you will always be second, third or maybe last option for everyone around, And while you copied them, you are not you.

When I am me, it may not align with many of the traits of that person.

This realization hits more, when you gather the teachings of Satsang: A rose has to be a rose, a sunflower cannot be a Rose.

I understood I had to build my own path, my own world. And when I joined a new environment like a new job, I realized my incapability’s. Because I was a shy awkward introvert who always was in a world created by others and was just orbiting there. I had led myself to a space where I had become dependent on others for friendships and many other things.

This led me to decide to bring the changes required and to break out of this shell. I did not want to change my core, but a shift in my approach that had till now been a hindrance to my own self.

It led to good decisions. And, of course a few questionable ones (one of which I’m still paying for... healing and letting go from that too… lol). The truth is, it hasn’t been easy.

Not being a shy, reserved introvert.

Not breaking out of that shell.

And certainly not facing the consequences of that transformation - embracing them fully and owning them.

NOW:

Now I find myself at a cross road of what I once was, fully realizing that I am where I prayed to once be.

Creating a world of mine, No longer a copy or a shadow of someone else. Finally, me.

My eyes are full of stars, my mind full of ideas.
I’m aware of my limitations but also of where I now want to go.

And yet, I am still pulled by two worlds: the what could have been in Dubai, and the life I’ve shaped in Pune. This duality is both interesting and, at times, frustrating.

This comes with a weight of awareness, also carrying hope of what can be.

With starry eyes and wonder for life, I go forward on this path – a future curated for me and lovingly supported by the one I believe in.

And when it all gets a little too much, I will close my eyes, breathe and believe:

If the idea exists, so does the path.
If I am where I am today with no clear roadmap of how I got here, it means I was guided.
And if I was guided then, I’ll be guided now.
I will go beyond what I think I’m capable of.
I can feel it... in my bones.

Gulmohar: Ek Dastaan

 #Gulmoharimages

Aankhon ko sukoon deta hai,

Rooh ko gad-gad karta hai,

Grishm ritu ke aane par,

Jiske phoolon ke aane ka aabhas ho, (2)

Nazron ko uski talaash ho,

Phool voh aate hain (2)

Utni hi jaldi Varsha ritu ke aate hi bichadh jaate hain,

Maano yeh batate hain, (2)

Aisa jatate hain, (2)

Jeevan to hai samay ka khel, (2)

Kuch palon ka hai yeh mel, (2)

Toh khilne se…puri tarah khilne se,

Kaisa ghabraana? (2)

Chaar palon ka muskaraana, chaar palon ka khilkhilaahatein baantna,

Yuhin toh hai yahan iss waqt ko bitaana.

Om Sai Ram

गुलमोहर: एक दास्तान

 

#गुलमोहरडायरीज़

आँखों को सुकून देता है,

रूह को गद्गद करता है,

ग्रीष्म ऋतु के आने पर,

जिसके फूलों के आने का आभास हो, (2)

नज़रों को उसकी तलाश हो,

फूल वो आते हैं (2)

उतनी ही जल्दी वर्षा ऋतु के आते ही बिछड़ जाते हैं,

मानो ये बताते हैं,(2)

ऐसा जताते हैं,(2)

जीवन तो है समय का खेल,(2)

कुछ पलों का है ये मेल,(2)

तो खिलने से… पूरी तरह खिलने से,

कैसा घबराना?(2)

चार पलों का मुस्कराना, चार पलों की खिलखिलाहटें बाँटना,

यही तो है यहाँ इस वक़्त को बिताना।

ॐ साई राम

Of Cafe, Kharcha and Inspirations - Musings come at a price

 Is there such a thing as space-driven motivation to write?

To find this I came to a café near my place. Well I have been to other cafes too in Mumbai – it’s research after all … and coffee.

What did these spaces have in common? Soft jazz music, crowd that is not chattering away like its end of the world, solitude in a khopcha (corner) if you’re lucky to find one 😉

But can this not be found at home? I definitely am lucky to have such a space and blessed with the ability to make good coffee.

Well that and my trusty frother. My room, my work desk is a place for inspiration.

Why am I here instead of being at that godly desk which is a true inspiration? Well for one, any space that is your own, used for your day work tends to be over utilized. Then you either are doom scrolling or just staring away at nothingness, or the best (ahem…) of all TV / Netflix.

Let’s just say “ghar ki murgi dal barabar”. Sometimes, you need some external stimulation and the extra kharch to ignite your mind. No pain no gain (The walk here was painful – don’t ask). The money that I spend on coffee – lets call it worth it – fuel costs, you see. Hehe.

Does it work? Well, with the costs – It better.

I am here writing this piece sipping on my fancy pour over medium dark roast iced, not to take away from the taro bubble tea prior to this.

Conclusion: Some places carry a spark that inspire you to create something new. But are they the ultimate motivation – no!

You’re your own inspiration, where you are and how you act when the inspiration comes matters.

Spaces change, Inspiration fades, But if you don’t light the match when the idea comes, no café, no khopcha, no pour-over can save you.

So now that I have given my two cents and the place has finally started to feel like a date place for couples to chatter away, time for me to leave. Ciao!

Side side note: Try the medium dark roast pour over iced at third wave. Thank me later.

#pouroverandpondering

I am not fine – Main theek nahi huin

Chaar shabd hindi mein, Four words in English – a simple sentence and yet so difficult to say, that I am writing it instead of saying it to someone I want to.

I want to cry but my tears come to the fore and dry,

I want to complain but before I can, their complaint reaches me first,

I want to empathize with myself but I can only think of them,

The blow I felt did not break anything but has gotten hold of something,

The attack I made, broke a system in them – I could see it so clearly.

And yet, I am not guilty of where I stand, I somehow knew this was to be, one day maybe.

The one day turned out to be the other day for me.

I am not sure of what I should console myself?

Breaking a heart, but mine was broken too!

Crossing a boundary head high with respect, but my boundary was crossed too with no respect.

I see clearly and yet there is a fog that dampens the heart.

For what should I shed these tears? The question boggles me and stops me from a release.

And here I am writing it down, because I won’t say it out loud – I am not fine, Main theek nahi huin.

Singham made me feel at home

Moving to Pune was a culture shock i had not expected.

Being an Indian who grew up outside India, returning here and trying to adjust to new life was not easy.

Surprisingly though, it was not the big things but the little things, everyday things which seemed so out of proportion. It felt like walking a line between being an outsider and an insider all at once.

And then I saw Singham in a theatre near me 😉

The only real reason for me to watch this movie was Ajay Devgan who had previously impressed me with his range in The Legend of Bhagat Singh and of course, Golmaal.

Sitting in that theatre, while the crowd hooted, whistled at the dialogues and clapped at the action scenes. And that climax. First time I was privy to this part of the culture, did not feel alone and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

Singham wasn’t just a film. It was a welcome.

It was loud, dramatic, unapologetically masala and full of intention. Ajay Devgan’s performance struck a balance between strength and sincerity, and I saw a versatility in him that I hadn’t noticed before. This wasn’t about logic or subtlety, it was about emotion, power, and justice all delivered with raw energy. It was comforting. It made sense that it wasn’t just a film.

People often dismiss masala cinema as brain rot. But when made with heart, these films speak directly to the emotional core. They offer belonging. They let you surrender for two hours and feel part of something familiar. Something deeply Indian.

Give me Singham, Singham Returns, Chennai Express, or Golmaal 3 and you’ll find me seated, popcorn in hand, ready to laugh, cheer, and forget for a while that I ever felt like a stranger here.

Just as I am here now sitting with Mom watching the movie for the umpteenth time.

These films are the stress buster needed when life gets all too real.