Writer's drama, Existential overthinking...

I want to keep writing...

But how? Do I continue with life experiences OR draw up a story somewhere?

Until now my focus has been to write and publish every week. And true to that, every week I had something write about.

This week however, I am at a loss. Why?

Maybe, I have not sat and observed the week in solitude as I usually do?

Or there has been so much going on, that I have not had the time to sit with it and go through it. This is despite me taking the whole Diwali week off from work. It was precisely to put together my thoughts on my focus areas. Exactly what I have been unable to do.

Do I blame the family who saw the free time I had and decided to put it to use on #DiwaliSafai by which time if i finished i had no inclination to write OR the cousins who were sweet to come and visit post Diwali. Through them I got to go back to some of my favorite places in Pune, to show them around.

Or is it me, who was available all the while and when I did complain, it was on such inconsequential things (since I wanted to keep private the reason for this leave) that they just decided to shut me up and ignore my tantrums?

Family settings, especially with Indians, if you live with your parents - tend to bring out the best and worst in you. The best makes you feel all gooey, grateful. Its the worst of you that makes it uncomfortable.

You start to question your sanity, if you are human to even think against your parents (the great Indian dilemma) or rather you are just a docile being who has surrendered to the situation and try to make the best of it.

Does this make the family a villain, if that's so then I maybe the vamp I so detested once (cue Komolika music- Nikaaaa). But wanting to draw boundaries can lead to being a vamp- No.

And it certainly is more in my mind (grown up on too much indian drama i guess- 90's and 2000's - Ekta kapoor, i blame you.) Sigh!

Nevertheless, all it takes is one step towards open communication with your mother and she will turn out to be the biggest supporter of you. Well that's my mom, at least. She would adjust herself to align with your goals (I mean me of course). But once she just voices her insecurity / opinion / need, she suddenly is the villain of my life.

Listening to many people I understand how lucky I am and having been privy to many life experiences I can gather not all are that lucky. Does luck have something to do with this though... Or is it the "Karma" as so well put of our past lives?

I certainly do not have these answers. I mean if past lives do exist and we are given a look into our own "Raaz pichle janam ka" I doubt we will remain sane once we have seen that. So let suspense be suspenseful?! And work with what you have got.

The thing is, we all are centered around our own lives, even while living in one home / one room with family. To us, we are the heroes, the knight in shining armor - if you may, for the family. But the truth is, we each our own shining light, yes. But that light at times dims down, that's when we need the light of our family to shine on to us until our light comes back.

We all know this, I certainly understand this and yet, there are times that negative thoughts do come in, the rant (which this post may as well be) also sets in. The moment when you understand you are victimizing yourself and creating drama in your own head. And no, you do not need to look out or at other people to be grateful for your life's pros'. For that matter, being born and staying in the country, you're at as well.

What is needed is to center yourself, gather and observe the thoughts, let go of the one's that do not serve you.

Oh, if only it was easier done than said. 

The Lull Before the Run

 

I am in a lull – running wise.

While I have done a 5 kms and 3 kms run, well more like walk+run (I am still proud of the journey), this year I had a goal of at least achieving 5 kms run without interval and a 10 kms record for myself, time did not matter to me as much the distance did.

Have I reached it – No. In fact, I have stopped practicing for it as it more or less worries me.

Don’t get me wrong, the worry is for my lack of improvement. Maybe to find out I am not made for it. Well with knock knees and scoliosis as a partner in this journey, it is quite bizarre of me to pick this activity.

I look at runners on streets (no they are not chor’s but running athletes, even the beginners) I am full of awe and inspiration to one day be able to match them. With my situation, I understand this comes with me being patient and practicing my best.

My trainer has tried to inspire me, though, but I find my way to wiggle out of it. What can I say? I can be stubborn at weird times. My question at these times – Main aisi kyun huin? Arghhhh…

To help me get motivated, I got the book much talked about by one of the hosts of Chalchitra talks ( I do not know his name but he is the only “he” on that channel) – The book: What I talk about when I talk about running. As per him, it inspired him to take up 5 kms challenge and complete a running event.

Exactly what I feel I wanted. Click: Amazon.

Firstly, I was fresh off the bat from the ‘Haruki Murakami’ experience having read Kafka on the shore and Men without Women. This experience kind of rewired my mind a bit and got me into the surreal shadier stuff… Reading wise… Please… *rolls eyes*

Anyway, without digressing much, I was not aware of this side Murakami’s. So, I was quite keen to get into the book, being a somewhat ‘fitness freak’ myself.

It was a very well written book and felt more like a diary entry to track progress. Provide numbers, practice tips and incite motivation rather than just barking affirmations to yourself.

Essentially, progress tracking and yearly participation in a race is what helps keep you in tune with your body and that is enough motivation.

At the risk of paraphrasing the great Haruki Murakami, the two main themes or lessons I found in the book were:

·         Writing is a way of understanding what he wants out of life.

·         To have a goal that is suitable to you which you can enjoy.

So ironically enough, it did not motivate me much into picking up running, but did make me want to get into writing – whatever I feel like – certainly not an author. But dreams are free of cost, it’s the effort taken to fulfil this that matters.

Anyhoo, to summarize the book makes me want to write more than run more. I would say it is not the effect I was expecting but am not complaining either.

Running… Ah! As much as I do not like it may have to wait. There is something about it that gets me and at the same time bothers me. Is it the early hours required to turn up at the event? Well then, I do not even want to see what long distance running hours would look like.

The lull is a time for me to breathe, step back and take a look, relax. I will be ready to fly when its time.

Kal hai na: A Pro Procrastinator's tale

We have always heard how procrastination leads to delay in tasks and essentially delaying life or rather living life.

Every procrastinator thinks of one thing, Kal hai na 😉 (we still have tomorrow). While the truth of the matter is, we don’t know if we even have the next moment.

But as the famous saying goes – Don’t worry ho jaayega:

Kaise? Kya pata? Kaun karega? Main? Kal karein?

Humein lagta hai kaam khud hoga, ya ho jaayega, ya koi aasmaan se aayega aur who kaam karke jaayega. Fairy godmother of sorts (Yahan pe bhi gender discrimination ;P ).

In short, we have been told all the negative qualities of it and how to avoid it. There is even a book called (eat that frog…ahem…), became a go to saying of my team as well thanks to the head boss.

But I am a bit delusional and a wizard, I eat only chocolate frogs and, in this case, it came in handy.

Let me explain:

Normal days and circumstance, I give up my workout and my sadhana to make it on time to a gathering (especially office ones).

This time I decided not to delay my workout and sadhana to the next day and instead work on my routine especially on such days when there are these rare gatherings.

I could have taken the time and rested / wiled away staring at the ceiling. But I decided to procrastinate that to the next day as it was a Saturday.

Prioritizing my workout, meals and sadhana then these parties and later the laziness I know I am much entitled too.

Though I am not sure if I procrastinated it into oblivion since I am here on that same supposedly lazy Saturday being productive here. And this time – tomorrow only means work and no play. For the half part of day atleast.

Faith, Insecurities, and Anchoring in Self

I have been in a somber mood for a while now.

Don’t believe anyone sees through that smile of mine until and unless I really down.

The thing is I do not want anyone to see it as well.

What do I say? How do I even explain?

Explain that life is good, I have nothing to complain and seemingly fulfilling, yet I would really like to withdraw from all responsibilities, just read write have coffee, visit numerous cafes, do my sadhana, complete my gym sessions and learn other things I have interest in.

I do not like people calling me and eating away my precious time during which I can sit and stare at a blank wall. That will be more fun to me than going through some conversations I have had lately.

What I despise most are people who do not take ‘no’ for an answer and more so the crowd around who enjoy gossiping at the expense of others. I treat people the way I want to be treated and believe in basic respect given our humanity (if any exists).

What I have come across many a times are energy leeches, friends (if they can be called that) who do not understand boundaries and people who have no business, link others in an imaginary relationship and cause gossip.

I have endured the situation very matured and very me ‘introverted’ like *cough* suffer in silence *cough*and kept my head high.

Come new phase in life, 2025 was a bang indeed and has fast forwarded with a speed which has left me grappling with some of the things I may not have worked on – within and without.

It will be foolish to describe myself by saying: I am overly optimistic, when I am so painfully aware of my inadequacies. The insecurities that come along with it, well lets just say my demons have a field day in my mind.

Faith:

The reason I mention faith here, is because I am lucky to have friends of some diverse thoughts and have had some look into their idea of faith.

There are some who classify as ‘atheist’, grew up in a believing family: However, with their experience / situations understood their standing on the subject. Some I know were believers of science and decided religion is not for them.

One of the reasons which a very good friend pointed out to me was there is no evidence of a ’divine being’ and they did not feel any connect. If you read Why Am I an atheist by “Shaheed Bhagat Singh” which is an eye opener in itself – a look into the great revolutionary’s mind (who shall miss that?).

He imparts his thought on the subject by saying, the idea of being dependent on a outer divine being or situations being responsible for his actions, is not something he understands. To him, he is independent in his actions and has no God to look up to, which means in adversity he stands alone. And for him that is the true test of character.

Truly a revolutionary: In thought and in action. I salute you sir.

Coming back, this is a field day for my demons as well I guess OR maybe I am actually doing something which has long been encouraged in my faith. Questioning my faith and why do I need it, is it an anchor, a way to ward off responsibility of my actions?

I have grown up with my faith, it is an intrinsic part of me. But I guess it is always good to look at the root cause of it and what you want out of it so as to understand where you stand.

To me, its been as natural as a river flowing starting from the glacier down to the mountains and making its way to the sea. Even if the river does not get a way, it makes its own way just by flowing, no matter how she changes her course, she knows she has to reach the sea.

My faith is the sea and I am but a flowing river going towards its destination. Don’t get me wrong, I have had bad and questionable days. When I was flooded river rather than a flowing one.

But during this time of going through my insecurities, one thing that I did notice is chanting, remembering the one I believe in, the lessons I have been imparted through satsang and life, that grounded me – in ME.

While growing up and being influenced by the movies you tend to look outward for miracles, but if you do the work on yourself, you realize that miracle is not somewhere outside, it is within me. It is ‘Me’ in the truest sense.

Inadequacies and subsequent insecurities:

This I believe all of us deal with it, however, it is our genuine belief that our problem is much larger than someone else.

If given a chance we would sit down and count our cards with each other, but since that is considered inappropriate, we resort to judge others and their life in our minds. And as rightly said: Grass is always greener on the other side. Also, humans love the idea of being victimized.

I have a sneaking suspicion most of us go through our life with Stockholm syndromes. Hear me out, we behave as if someone kidnapped our right to life and now there is no bigger victim than us. While for some it may hold true (extreme examples: People of Gaza, Afghanistan, tramatic childhood, bullying victims, etc.) some of us have gone through life with an in born melancholy – yes me.

And if I want to sit down and count my victim cards, I can bring some – no problem. But I refuse.

I refuse to go through my own life as a third person or live vicariously through someone else while I may be the last priority OR maybe NO priority at all. What’s needed for that? Not classifying as a victim. But what is the first response of a normal human being? I am a victim.

Is it easy to not play victim? To show up everyday even though your internal everything is screaming – you are not needed, go be somewhere else?

No, it’s not. Hell NOT. But have I ever made something easy for myself in this regard? Nope and I don’t plan to. Why oh why then I call myself a closeted lazy human?

My mind right now is a field play of my flaws physical, mental and spiritual. Yes, I have blamed everyone from my parents, my upbringing, my ancestors and of course – My God. And the conclusion?

If I am that victimized and was stopped from being great previously: WHAT THE HELL IS STOPPING ME NOW?

You guessed it: yours truly – ‘Moi’.

Confrontations:

The idea is to confront me for me, to better me.

There, first great point revealed – ability to generate tongue twisters. Thank you!

I have confronted people doing me wrong, who only left me wondering what the hell was I thinking. So that’s not ideal. But this time I decided to also confront an outside source of the much despicable gossip for me.

My only idea: Confront them as the best of me. Let me explain.

I do not accuse, I do not fight, it will end up with me in tears and guilt for doing wrong to the other. And trust me, someone has manipulated this very trait of mine, to suit their own fantasies.

As you can imagine: Living hell for me. Nah Ah.

I won’t say I am all relieved and on top of the world. It was meant to be a subtle warning to them and if they are wise, they will know.

Was this to satisfy my ego? No.

It was to let people know I am done with taking their garbage, even if its behind my back. I will not suffer silently no more and I am not available to take anyone’s S*** no more.

While I am not surprised, this was needed. But I can see how this came about. Meeting and speaking to certain people does bring about a change. You tend to pick up things you yourself are lacking.

Thanking my god now for this very change. If I am giving the responsibility to them for the bad, I should have no qualms in applauding for the good done.

But the fact of the matter is, the whole point is for me to learn and grow.

Anchoring in self:

In essence with my faith, the life lessons and facing the many demons, the point is to anchor myself to myself.

Titanic drowned not only due to hitting the iceberg but also due to an engineering and design fault. ‘Iceberg’ in life will come and go, it is your own design and engineering expertise on yourself that keeps you going. Not to forget the navigation misses.

Goodbye note:

I understand I may have bored you with a long article as such, but dear reader, it is only fair I share my experiences to the best of my ability. If it helps you or if you just find it interesting- I would be deeply delighted.