I have been
in a somber mood for a while now.
Don’t
believe anyone sees through that smile of mine until and unless I really down.
The thing
is I do not want anyone to see it as well.
What do I say?
How do I even explain?
Explain
that life is good, I have nothing to complain and seemingly fulfilling, yet I
would really like to withdraw from all responsibilities, just read write have
coffee, visit numerous cafes, do my sadhana, complete my gym sessions and learn
other things I have interest in.
I do not
like people calling me and eating away my precious time during which I can sit
and stare at a blank wall. That will be more fun to me than going through some
conversations I have had lately.
What I despise
most are people who do not take ‘no’ for an answer and more so the crowd around
who enjoy gossiping at the expense of others. I treat people the way I want to
be treated and believe in basic respect given our humanity (if any exists).
What I have
come across many a times are energy leeches, friends (if they can be called
that) who do not understand boundaries and people who have no business, link
others in an imaginary relationship and cause gossip.
I have
endured the situation very matured and very me ‘introverted’ like *cough* suffer in silence *cough*and kept
my head high.
Come new phase
in life, 2025 was a bang indeed and has fast forwarded with a speed which has
left me grappling with some of the things I may not have worked on – within and
without.
It will be
foolish to describe myself by saying: I am overly optimistic, when I am so painfully
aware of my inadequacies. The insecurities that come along with it, well lets
just say my demons have a field day in my mind.
Faith:
The reason I
mention faith here, is because I am lucky to have friends of some diverse thoughts
and have had some look into their idea of faith.
There are
some who classify as ‘atheist’, grew up in a believing family: However, with
their experience / situations understood their standing on the subject. Some I know
were believers of science and decided religion is not for them.
One of the
reasons which a very good friend pointed out to me was there is no evidence of
a ’divine being’ and they did not feel any connect. If you read Why Am I an
atheist by “Shaheed Bhagat Singh” which is an eye opener in itself – a look
into the great revolutionary’s mind (who shall miss that?).
He imparts
his thought on the subject by saying, the idea of being dependent on a outer divine
being or situations being responsible for his actions, is not something he understands.
To him, he is independent in his actions and has no God to look up to, which means
in adversity he stands alone. And for him that is the true test of character.
Truly a
revolutionary: In thought and in action. I salute you sir.
Coming
back, this is a field day for my demons as well I guess OR maybe I am actually
doing something which has long been encouraged in my faith. Questioning my
faith and why do I need it, is it an anchor, a way to ward off responsibility
of my actions?
I have
grown up with my faith, it is an intrinsic part of me. But I guess it is always
good to look at the root cause of it and what you want out of it so as to
understand where you stand.
To me, its
been as natural as a river flowing starting from the glacier down to the
mountains and making its way to the sea. Even if the river does not get a way,
it makes its own way just by flowing, no matter how she changes her course, she
knows she has to reach the sea.
My faith is
the sea and I am but a flowing river going towards its destination. Don’t get
me wrong, I have had bad and questionable days. When I was flooded river rather
than a flowing one.
But during
this time of going through my insecurities, one thing that I did notice is
chanting, remembering the one I believe in, the lessons I have been imparted
through satsang and life, that grounded me – in ME.
While growing
up and being influenced by the movies you tend to look outward for miracles, but
if you do the work on yourself, you realize that miracle is not somewhere outside,
it is within me. It is ‘Me’ in the truest sense.
Inadequacies and subsequent insecurities:
This I believe
all of us deal with it, however, it is our genuine belief that our problem is
much larger than someone else.
If given a
chance we would sit down and count our cards with each other, but since that is
considered inappropriate, we resort to judge others and their life in our minds.
And as rightly said: Grass is always greener on the other side. Also, humans
love the idea of being victimized.
I have a
sneaking suspicion most of us go through our life with Stockholm syndromes.
Hear me out, we behave as if someone kidnapped our right to life and now there
is no bigger victim than us. While for some it may hold true (extreme examples:
People of Gaza, Afghanistan, tramatic childhood, bullying victims, etc.) some of
us have gone through life with an in born melancholy – yes me.
And if I want
to sit down and count my victim cards, I can bring some – no problem. But I refuse.
I refuse to
go through my own life as a third person or live vicariously through someone else
while I may be the last priority OR maybe NO priority at all. What’s needed for
that? Not classifying as a victim. But what is the first response of a normal
human being? I am a victim.
Is it easy
to not play victim? To show up everyday even though your internal everything is
screaming – you are not needed, go be somewhere else?
No, it’s
not. Hell NOT. But have I ever made something easy for myself in this regard?
Nope and I don’t plan to. Why oh why then I call myself a closeted lazy human?
My mind
right now is a field play of my flaws physical, mental and spiritual. Yes, I
have blamed everyone from my parents, my upbringing, my ancestors and of course
– My God. And the conclusion?
If I am
that victimized and was stopped from being great previously: WHAT THE HELL IS
STOPPING ME NOW?
You guessed
it: yours truly – ‘Moi’.
Confrontations:
The idea is
to confront me for me, to better me.
There,
first great point revealed – ability to generate tongue twisters. Thank you!
I have
confronted people doing me wrong, who only left me wondering what the hell was I
thinking. So that’s not ideal. But this time I decided to also confront an outside
source of the much despicable gossip for me.
My only idea: Confront them as the best of me. Let me
explain.
I do not
accuse, I do not fight, it will end up with me in tears and guilt for doing
wrong to the other. And trust me, someone has manipulated this very trait of mine,
to suit their own fantasies.
As you can
imagine: Living hell for me. Nah Ah.
I won’t say
I am all relieved and on top of the world. It was meant to be a subtle warning
to them and if they are wise, they will know.
Was this to
satisfy my ego? No.
It was to let
people know I am done with taking their garbage, even if its behind my back. I will
not suffer silently no more and I am not available to take anyone’s S*** no more.
While I am not
surprised, this was needed. But I can see how this came about. Meeting and
speaking to certain people does bring about a change. You tend to pick up
things you yourself are lacking.
Thanking my
god now for this very change. If I am giving the responsibility to them for the
bad, I should have no qualms in applauding for the good done.
But the
fact of the matter is, the whole point is for me to learn and grow.
Anchoring in self:
In essence
with my faith, the life lessons and facing the many demons, the point is to
anchor myself to myself.
Titanic
drowned not only due to hitting the iceberg but also due to an engineering and
design fault. ‘Iceberg’ in life will come and go, it is your own design and
engineering expertise on yourself that keeps you going. Not to forget the navigation
misses.
Goodbye note:
I understand
I may have bored you with a long article as such, but dear reader, it is only
fair I share my experiences to the best of my ability. If it helps you or if you
just find it interesting- I would be deeply delighted.
