Soch - Reflections of a Citizen | सोच — आवाज़ एक नागरिक की

 Soch-soch kar bhi kya sochun?

Kitna sochun?
Sochun ya phir na sochun?

Aji, chuppi toh sab bahar ki hai,
mann mein toh sochon ka bhawandar hai.

Palestine mein ho raha hai ghor apradh,
Israel kahe, maine nahi kiya koi paap.
India mein ghuskar atankwadi karte hain jaatiwaad ka kaand,
bhugatte hain Bharat ke insaan.

Koi kahe, paise ka khel hai, koi kahe, paise ka khel hai,
nahi hone dena hai logon ka mel.

Par yahan toh Hindu hi Hindu ke khilaaf,
yahan toh Hindu hi Hindu ke khilaaf.
Jaat-paat kam nahi tha, ab odh liya hai bhaasha ka livaaz.

Koi bahar ka kya maarega,
hamara jaanbaaz sarhad par jo khada hai.
Koi bahar ka kya maarega
jab ghar ka dushman ghar mein baitha hai.

Bhaasha, dharm, jaat-paat,
sara masla isi par atka hai.

Maarna-kaatna insaanon tak seemit nahi,
humne toh maa, jis dharti ko kehte hain,
maa, jis dharti ko kehte hain, ussi ko jhulas diya hai.

Jahan jaun, wahan plastic ka phailav,
kahin traffic lanes mein bikharav.
Signal to jaise hai hi nahi,
apni masti mein chalte jaana hai.
Koi tameez sikhaye to bolte hain, tumhare baap ka kya jaata hai?

Baap ka to pata nahi,
meri maa ka zaroor jaata hai.

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सोच–सोच कर भी क्या सोचूँ?
कितना सोचूँ?
सोचूँ या फिर न सोचूँ?

अजी, चुप्पी तो सब बाहर की है,
मन में तो सोचों का भँवर है।

फ़िलिस्तीन में हो रहा है घोर अपराध,
इज़राइल कहे — मैंने नहीं किया कोई पाप।
भारत में घुसकर आतंकवादी करते हैं जातिवाद का कांड,

भुगतते हैं भारत के इंसान।

कोई कहे — पैसों का खेल है, कोई कहे — पैसों का खेल है,
नहीं होने देना है लोगों का मेल।

पर यहाँ तो हिन्दू ही हिन्दू के ख़िलाफ़,
यहाँ तो हिन्दू ही हिन्दू के ख़िलाफ़।
जात-पात कम नहीं था, अब ओढ़ लिया है भाषा का लिबास।

कोई बाहर का क्या मारेगा,
हमारा जानबाज़ सरहद पर जो खड़ा है।
कोई बाहर का क्या मारेगा,
जब घर का दुश्मन घर में बैठा है।

भाषा, धर्म, जात-पात —
सारा मसला इसी पर अटका है।

मारना–काटना इंसानों तक सीमित नहीं,
हमने तो माँ, जिस धरती को कहते हैं,
माँ, जिस धरती को कहते हैं, उसी को झुलसा दिया है।

जहाँ जाऊँ वहाँ प्लास्टिक का फैलाव,
कहीं ट्रैफ़िक लेन्स में बिखराव।
सिग्नल तो जैसे है ही नहीं,
अपनी मस्ती में चलते जाना है।

कोई तमीज़ सिखाए तो बोलते हैं —
“तुम्हारे बाप का क्या जाता है?”

बाप का तो पता नहीं,
मेरी माँ का ज़रूर जाता है। 

Digging Deep and Random rants

 Learning to be alone…

A simple yet such a hard task to achieve.

I am supposed to be walking around my room, trying to contemplate my life – what I want.

And what do I do? Sit down and start this essay instead.

In today’s world being comfortable alone constitutes to going for a movie alone, dining / café alone, checking out new places all alone – all without any judgement OR embarrassment. That is your own judgement, because if you’re at this stage, you likely do not care about others any way. Plus, they will be too busy to anyway, take my word for it.

Every time, I feel a regret for what would have been and try to gauge why I do feel this way and what can be done to rectify this in the present, a veil drop. Suddenly I find myself thinking of a scene from a current favorite show / movie OR a rerun of certain favorite scene in the past. Then I want to get all nostalgic about the 90’s – my growing up years.

Let me be clear, while hate is a strong word for it, no love lost for me for those embarrassing years of mine. I am just thankful to have come this far. Touchwood. And look forward to going beyond. Nope – not a cry for help, I mean beyond in life. That beyond will come day and I am very happy to wait for it when it does come.

See, different stream of thoughts all catching a different road and leading me somewhere, then nowhere. I may as well be courage the cowardly dog in the middle of nowhere. And I had no love for him as well, much to my sister’s dismay.

This is supposed to be a learn to be alone thing not how to think and write no sense nonsense thing.

I want to dig deeper into my train of thoughts, don’t tell me there is so much nonsense to dig through much like the never-ending garbage mountain of Delhi / Mumbai. See – Random facts and rambling. When that does not work, self-deprecating humor is at its best.

So difficult to use em dashes so people don’t think you are having AI write this. FOCUS. BREATHE. THINK. DIG. DEEP. ALONE.

Annndddd nothing…………… Uff yaar!!!!!!!

Paracetamol and Annabelle - Curious case of my dreams

I think it is a rite of passage in your human life to at least once have been scared straight in your dreams.

We all go through it as far as I have observed, asked and read – all of it connected to whatever mental / physical stress you may be going through.

Of course, as a child we are unaware of these conditions that lead to some truly horrifying dreams which we then blame on the movies we have watched (which essentially can be true – I mean “IT” – come on) or someone told us a scary story.

In any case, it is a true test of strength, resilience and our faith (whichever we may follow) and growing up we start taking it as a matter of pride when these things do not shake us.

But then they do shake us, more than we let on, sometimes to ourselves as well.

I believe in the higher power and with that essentially comes the belief that everything everywhere exists and has the potential to either harm or take you forward. I believe in the name of my God and the power of his chant to help me rise above this.

As a grown up, we tend to believe we are above all this and continue with our lives. And then you dream a thing of nightmares and are paralyzed by the experience for a while. A full grown adult – scared shit in a dream. Not one, not two but many to come.

I experienced this at a time, being scared of the night, to sleep and yet I was determined to not let it hinder me. I would go to sleep, lights off with my God’s name. Yes, I had nightmares and I prayed to be free of them. After a while, I think I analyzed these nightmares to be something that they are trying to tell me.

I went in for some tests, I had hormonal imbalance before so I did suspect that and consulted my doctor. Lo and behold, a scary hormonal imbalance on the horizon it was. Detected on time and with a warning given to me to improve my lifestyle.

I guess I should be thanking the “Ghosts of my deams” then to show me the path I had been neglecting.

But years later, with where I am at I did not foresee this. I was left astounded at the thought of how could it be that I was this… well I will let you decide dear reader:

Here I am in my bed on a crisp Monday night reeling from the hold of viral that had taken over me over the weekend. With my trusty paracetamol and curi tea (herb tea) all ready to get cozy and rest.

Due to reasons I was unable to take a sick leave (no my manager is not a maniac wanting me to work through a fever – I am the maniac wanting to go through it) and had to wake up on time for y 6 am Shift (Work from home pros).

I am unable to sleep (thanks for nothing not so trusty paracetamol), toss and turn wanting to get some shut eye, worried if I will be able to make it to my shift time the next day or I will be declared absent due to unknown reasons (Oh, the horror – see what I did there).

And finally, some sleep – a world of Dubai and Pune in my dreams, suddenly a version of Annabelle (thank you Ms Unconscious mind) looking at me laughing.

Here I am scared and worried looking at her, praying to my God and then I remembered something critical. Something truly truly unimaginable to me – I am going to miss my 6 am shift.

I look at Annabelle and go – I really do not have time for this haunted madness girl, I have a shift tomorrow and I need to rest. Get lost.

YES – the haunted looking at the entity and saying, sorry madam so busy with my 6 am to 3 pm shift. You want my afternoon naps? No can do – Its gym time baby.  You will need an appointment on the weekend to specifically haunt me.

Or maybe we just have some nightmarish goorish coffee, you pretend you haunted me and I pretend I was haunted.

Lets be on our way then.

Seriously… I MEAN SERIOUSLY… If this is the late 30’s and a corporate slave mindset I think I am here for it and going to go “ooh la la” with it – for sometime.

I am in utter disbelief of the power of focus for your life goals can lead to such ironic situations in my own dreams.

Well it will also be a kick in my own ass moment if similar to previous situation my body is actually trying to warn me of some underlying imbalance. And I am too busy yelling – No can do ma’am we have goals to achieve. Sit tight and lets take a flight.

Hopefully one that reaches it destination and has a smooth landing. Whew! 😉

To be or Not to be… Analyzing the idea of “Me”

I have grown up in Dubai, a secured and a silent childhood.

There have been times during childhood I felt And yet wanting to feel the zest for life.

For much of my childhood in Dubai I had an idea of the ideal person I wanted to become.

It helped that the ideal person was in front of me, I would copy all their moves and tried to be like them.

Everyone praised them, using them as an example on how should one be. I was starry-eyed, pretending to be them whenever they weren’t around stepping into their place, hoping to fill it.

Much of childhood and teens went with this ideology of mine. Until I failed in my 10^th grade and had to switch to open schooling since I could not work my way around with Math.

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise for I discovered Psychology. The book we had was basic of course.

But the idea of to know thyself and know the world aligned with my Satsang ideology (spiritual learnings). Though I did not pursue the subject as an area of study and was rather uninterested in the experiments or theories, I began observing the human behavior. The behavior of me.

It was at best rudimentary but a start nonetheless. I had just started discovering myself beyond this idea that I had to be like a certain person to have a happy life, the time came to shift to India.

The shift to Pune OR the shift within:

Without getting into details, this was a family decision and was one for getting me married as quickly as possible. Being the ever compliant elder daughter, I was with no sense of self and happily agreed a to the idea. Without much thought of consequences for myself.

Starting (Restarting) my life in Pune, a shift came about OR rather something within me began to rise. I was permanently with the person I idealized and the world they had here, was of their own with little space for me.

For me, my idea of self were the family and this person, whatever these people said had to be truth and my thoughts are just that – thoughts.

But observing that person continuously while still feeling the connect to them, you start realizing the hand you’re dealt. The fact stares you right at your face that you will always be second, third or maybe last option for everyone around, And while you copied them, you are not you.

When I am me, it may not align with many of the traits of that person.

This realization hits more, when you gather the teachings of Satsang: A rose has to be a rose, a sunflower cannot be a Rose.

I understood I had to build my own path, my own world. And when I joined a new environment like a new job, I realized my incapability’s. Because I was a shy awkward introvert who always was in a world created by others and was just orbiting there. I had led myself to a space where I had become dependent on others for friendships and many other things.

This led me to decide to bring the changes required and to break out of this shell. I did not want to change my core, but a shift in my approach that had till now been a hindrance to my own self.

It led to good decisions. And, of course a few questionable ones (one of which I’m still paying for... healing and letting go from that too… lol). The truth is, it hasn’t been easy.

Not being a shy, reserved introvert.

Not breaking out of that shell.

And certainly not facing the consequences of that transformation - embracing them fully and owning them.

NOW:

Now I find myself at a cross road of what I once was, fully realizing that I am where I prayed to once be.

Creating a world of mine, No longer a copy or a shadow of someone else. Finally, me.

My eyes are full of stars, my mind full of ideas.
I’m aware of my limitations but also of where I now want to go.

And yet, I am still pulled by two worlds: the what could have been in Dubai, and the life I’ve shaped in Pune. This duality is both interesting and, at times, frustrating.

This comes with a weight of awareness, also carrying hope of what can be.

With starry eyes and wonder for life, I go forward on this path – a future curated for me and lovingly supported by the one I believe in.

And when it all gets a little too much, I will close my eyes, breathe and believe:

If the idea exists, so does the path.
If I am where I am today with no clear roadmap of how I got here, it means I was guided.
And if I was guided then, I’ll be guided now.
I will go beyond what I think I’m capable of.
I can feel it... in my bones.

Gulmohar: Ek Dastaan

 #Gulmoharimages

Aankhon ko sukoon deta hai,

Rooh ko gad-gad karta hai,

Grishm ritu ke aane par,

Jiske phoolon ke aane ka aabhas ho, (2)

Nazron ko uski talaash ho,

Phool voh aate hain (2)

Utni hi jaldi Varsha ritu ke aate hi bichadh jaate hain,

Maano yeh batate hain, (2)

Aisa jatate hain, (2)

Jeevan to hai samay ka khel, (2)

Kuch palon ka hai yeh mel, (2)

Toh khilne se…puri tarah khilne se,

Kaisa ghabraana? (2)

Chaar palon ka muskaraana, chaar palon ka khilkhilaahatein baantna,

Yuhin toh hai yahan iss waqt ko bitaana.

Om Sai Ram

गुलमोहर: एक दास्तान

 

#गुलमोहरडायरीज़

आँखों को सुकून देता है,

रूह को गद्गद करता है,

ग्रीष्म ऋतु के आने पर,

जिसके फूलों के आने का आभास हो, (2)

नज़रों को उसकी तलाश हो,

फूल वो आते हैं (2)

उतनी ही जल्दी वर्षा ऋतु के आते ही बिछड़ जाते हैं,

मानो ये बताते हैं,(2)

ऐसा जताते हैं,(2)

जीवन तो है समय का खेल,(2)

कुछ पलों का है ये मेल,(2)

तो खिलने से… पूरी तरह खिलने से,

कैसा घबराना?(2)

चार पलों का मुस्कराना, चार पलों की खिलखिलाहटें बाँटना,

यही तो है यहाँ इस वक़्त को बिताना।

ॐ साई राम

Of Cafe, Kharcha and Inspirations - Musings come at a price

 Is there such a thing as space-driven motivation to write?

To find this I came to a café near my place. Well I have been to other cafes too in Mumbai – it’s research after all … and coffee.

What did these spaces have in common? Soft jazz music, crowd that is not chattering away like its end of the world, solitude in a khopcha (corner) if you’re lucky to find one 😉

But can this not be found at home? I definitely am lucky to have such a space and blessed with the ability to make good coffee.

Well that and my trusty frother. My room, my work desk is a place for inspiration.

Why am I here instead of being at that godly desk which is a true inspiration? Well for one, any space that is your own, used for your day work tends to be over utilized. Then you either are doom scrolling or just staring away at nothingness, or the best (ahem…) of all TV / Netflix.

Let’s just say “ghar ki murgi dal barabar”. Sometimes, you need some external stimulation and the extra kharch to ignite your mind. No pain no gain (The walk here was painful – don’t ask). The money that I spend on coffee – lets call it worth it – fuel costs, you see. Hehe.

Does it work? Well, with the costs – It better.

I am here writing this piece sipping on my fancy pour over medium dark roast iced, not to take away from the taro bubble tea prior to this.

Conclusion: Some places carry a spark that inspire you to create something new. But are they the ultimate motivation – no!

You’re your own inspiration, where you are and how you act when the inspiration comes matters.

Spaces change, Inspiration fades, But if you don’t light the match when the idea comes, no café, no khopcha, no pour-over can save you.

So now that I have given my two cents and the place has finally started to feel like a date place for couples to chatter away, time for me to leave. Ciao!

Side side note: Try the medium dark roast pour over iced at third wave. Thank me later.

#pouroverandpondering