Inconsequential’s with consequences and new year reflections

Do you have a feeling that your time has been taken up, i.e., more than half your day taken up by the most inconsequential thing in life? But again, it is not inconsequential per say as much as a necessity.

This inconsequential thing is what allows you to sustain a lifestyle, dignity of a self-led life and demand more from life. Once it may have held consequence in your life in your quest to gain a semblance of life in a new city.

Now with the years gone by, with the ups and downs, working through burnouts, facing insecurities and trying to overcome them, same people by your side, you feel you have grown out of a space and the mindset, mostly the income as well.

However, you are reluctant to replace this. The complacency, the comfort and the known now scaring you, what scares you more is the other side. The unknown: What happens after this? Am I able to recover from this, replace the income which allowed me a sovereignty over my own life like no other?

These questions, can lead to a sort of mental paralysis and take my attention from the action to be taken.

That is exactly what has been happening. One thing AI is helpful in, is the fact that I can write out my feelings to understand what I am going through. Also helped in getting some answers.

Truthfully, I was aware what I am going through but feared it was ‘fear’ holding me back. Which now I understand is also me being practical. I am 39 after all, not a 25-year fresher. Of course, I have had my time laying back but that time, I was too busy day dreaming to think about life OR what actually I want in life.

Now, I just know I am growing out of the space that I once inhabited and it is not enough to hold me, mentally or financially.

But to grow out of somewhere, I may need to plan my steps, baby steps in fact. I am a work in progress I know, I am trying to make a way for myself that is for myself. To maintain my dignity and respect, not that the place does not give me so. Just that I have started valuing my sovereignty more than anything else.

You know the feeling get, it time to leave certain spaces and people behind. While I feel I may have been dragging on in a place where it is no longer required.

What do I do to get myself out of the rut that complacency creates? Can I just make rash decisions or take calculative steps that reflects my lived experience?

Will I be able to fully grow out of this constraint that I myself have created in the attraction of the comfort offered and create a space for myself which is mine, created for me?

Can I come back here and happily report a change and growth I did foresee, but this time was brave to take the steps required?

I have, technically, 361 days to secure a pass report… don’t I?

Checking back 2027!

 

Introversial to Overstimulation

Feeling overstimulated!

I am in essence an introvert for whom looking any person in the eye was a very challenging task until I knew them really well. I am the kind who would be “taken under the wing” by an extroverted friend and would see the world through their lens.

And at some point, in life a switch went on which said this ‘gotta’ change babe.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that you will always be second in someone else’s life (especially if they are your first priority), worst is knowing you will be last for everyone around (except your family).

That’s when it hits: You can be first only in your own life and build around that.

That does not mean you gather a bunch of followers to make sure you are first in everyone’s life. That will be a cult and not a friend group built on equality and mutual respect unfortunately.

Why is it important and enough to be ‘first’ in your own life?

Because this means you will always end up making the best possible decision for yourself no matter what the world says.

If it’s elders in family guilt tripping you to accept a ‘rishta’ which will never come again OR anyone trying to force / project / impose their feelings unto you by manipulating you in the name of ‘psychology’ – worse – “body language”.

Gradually you tend to find your footing, navigating these tricky situations, getting your family on your side and living with some necessary ‘evils’, if required to get your way around this world.

Does it mean I am selfish? Maybe so. Am I guilty of it? No. Why?

It is because of one core belief that I follow from my highly introvert to today’s high functioning introvert days – Simple thinking, peaceful living since other is hell.

Be yourself, true. But be your most conscientious true self to the best of your ability at any given point in time. In other words, know that every action has an equal and opposite reaction: Awareness at all times.

This has helped me reach where I am today, mentally. Going to a book club and mingling with a group of strangers over coffee and books. Learn about film community in action and get excited for new experiences, actually living them. This was never who I thought I would be but very much wanted to be so.

I feel a high like no other, overstimulation and a need to isolate, watch brain rot all at the same time. But all this is worth it, to see this version of me which was once a distant dream.

All because I had one clear goal once that switch went on: I want to create my own world. Oh, how life has responded to me with open arms.

Of course, it has been a rocky road with complaints, queries, compliments and even suggestions for the universe. Even requests to rewind time (too many sci fi and Kdramas I guess). But I would not trade today for anything.

So much more to come and I feel so ready.

But first thing first – Isolation mode loading!

Life… A sentence in Death!

Death!...

What is there to say about this phenomenon that has not been already said.

The Gurus, our scriptures mark it as a happening of life, ending of one chapter, to begin anew.

A phase of life which has come to its fulfilment. Pick up a newspaper, a social media post and somewhere you will have at least one story depicting a violent end.

That’s all it is, an article, a phase in someone else’s life. That is, until it comes knocking near to you. And more so, when it takes someone dear to you, someone you thought you had all the time in the world with.

And suddenly, this sense of infinity is stripped from you.

You look at the body in front of you and are to contemplate this life that you were lucky to be a part of. You dare – even if for a moment – to face your own mortality.

My first encounter with death was as a child, a distinct memory as a 4 or 5-year-old, when on one of our family visits to Ratlam I had fallen seriously ill. My mother had to take me to the nearby hospital on a tonga. And there I saw a procession going by chanting “Ram naam satya hai”.

That scene has always stayed with me, watching it as a young child of course I did not understand much. I believe I thought it maybe my turn now – but that’s the adult me trying to go back and see what the “little” me was processing. Why do I have to force feed thoughts to this “little” me is beyond me.

But yes, as any normal human being would, I have had my fair share of attending these growing up.

As a child, I don’t think we process much and just feel the sadness around it. As an adult, everyone is busy asking the grieving person to be ‘strong’, ‘it is ok’… I know their heart is in the right place, but that is a load of ‘hollow advice’ in my eyes.

The loss and the void that comes with this are unfathomable, especially for the immediate family. For the world may not be aware, but I believe the collective consciousness is. So many lives touched just by the smile of one person.

It puts so many issues in perspective, even if temporarily. Every moment a life is realized and the next moment a life has reached its fulfillment. The world moves on and so do you. But Death, it has a way of staring at you no matter how much you may have turned away your face from it. It reminds you of its existence when you least expect it.

When you face the question of your own mortality, it is not you alone. Your age is also a reminder of the fragility of the lives around you. The moment when you see your loved ones and realize that time has sped up while you have been busy growing up.

You also have this daunting fact facing you, it is not the age / the health / the trajectory you are at that matters. It is simply when life has decided, you have had enough. And that can be at any moment, this moment as well.

And yet, here we are worried about a certain goal / trajectory to reach post which we may start to truly live rather than staying alive right now.

Quite frankly, I have had these ramblings with myself for quite some time now.

Death as much as I may fear it… for myself or for my near and dear ones (God forbid).

We do not conquer, run or hide from death. That is what is embedded in our psyche as a civilization. The “Gurus” teachings, our scriptures preaching.

So, the question remains, what do I want to see when death faces me: Do I welcome him as an old friend or a vengeful entity wanting to strip away my ego?

Truthfully, even this thought, this rambling is scary to me. To put down in words what I have thought of or been afraid of to think, to articulate, for a long time.

All I know is, I want no regrets, if that is possible. A human mind has its limits, dare I say and mine is wired to simple needs. A life lived, fulfilled with love to its fullest.

Grateful for the lives I have been a part of and that they were a part of mine.

To welcome death as an old friend, when its eyes provide me with a mirror of my life all I see is a life lived and loved to its fullest.

Faith within, calm in mind, love in my heart, for this end I am willing to work hard. I know it is easier said than done, but the intent matters, showing up matters and rest is up to God.

As above, Not so below...

What do i write, when there is nothing to write?

How do I write when there are no words to flow?

The waiting ink, my aching heart, oh so many memories I go through and from which I depart....

No words can sum up this feeling in my mind and the thoughts in my heart...

Oh, how do I write when words fall apart?

Perception and its plays

Peace, like human behaviour, is subjective and varies with each individual.

I want my friends to take control of their lives, go out, feel the sun, be so much more than they are now.

For this I have never fought with them, I find that a waste of my time and energy. I make my thoughts clear on what I feel they should action.

However, with experience and with time I have learnt, it can be construed as something else. That same friend can convolute your care as something else in their mind and try to impose their own distorted feelings, misplaced traumas unto you. Some one else whom you may deem as a good friend, may just ignore you altogether. And as per your interpretation, none of them have the decency to respect you.

But then again, when you look deep into yourself, wanting to do what you feel is best for you, if that means cutting off someone who leeches on with warped intentions to you, if that means taking a step back from the friendship that starts feeling more like a burden than a blooming flower, is when you realize – maybe, just maybe, you have not respected them as well.

In your high mightiness of self (can be due to your upbringing, your current goals which you are working towards, so much more but all sub conscious more than conscious) you have judged them and looked down on them for not taking the obvious action in the situation they are in and just cut off the root.

Oh how easy it is to judge a life you have not lived, a life that’s gone through ups and downs parallel to yours in this world, yes, but has had its own challenges. You judge someone for not doing the obvious as per your perception, disregarding the life that has lived and gone through the challenges.

One is now on the way to a faraway place to fulfill their goal, while you would overthink everything before even taking a solo trip kind of a decision. Solo movies, café dates, yes… But you would overthink a 1000 times and be paralyzed as many times before even doing something so outrageous for yourself. Even when you know it will relieve you of so much dependence in the mind.

The other can do what they want really, as long as they do not impose their nonsense unto me. But are a friend nevertheless and you will always wish them well.

If any of them read this, I guess I am done for but all the best guys – always rooting for you!

Anyhow, the point here is, I have judged not only these but I am guessing many people while myself standing on a high pedestal. It is possible I am on that pedestal right now, judging myself while writing this. If that’s the case – Hi there, Judgement buddy, how about you take a space ship to mars and never come back. Thanks!

It is so easy for a third person to look at some one and go: You know I believe you are to do X for Y result. I have had people judge me, walking on the road. Can see it in their eyes once they have looked at me up to down and spotted the bent knee issue.

While I walk, run, all will come and say you are an inspiration. Well, dude its knock knees not end of the world for me to stop walking, what’s your excuse? The scooter / bike to a place which will take 10 mins to reach by walk?

We all have many a times judged some one else, Maybe call this a aging game. Lol.

But to open your perception beyond your understanding, to actually look at someone and understand the challenging trajectory they had. More than sympathy we need more of empathy, to recognize the challenges a person may have had and not to impose our own misplaced solutions on them. In that sense, am I not the leech trying to get some kind of a high all and know all recognition from them?

This far sightedness, does this come in a day? No.

It takes work to look at yourself, while you always saw your flaws, you ignored them, so to embrace them and work on them where you can. Isn’t this what we expect of ourselves and of others.

Yet in our treatment of others we are the opposite and demand exactly what we do not give.

I know I have a long way to go, the people around me have been very patient with the myopic view I have had and now its time to give myself the same patience to work on myself (my circle of control) and same patience to be there for my people in times of their need while they work on themselves.

Truthfully, that is what I can do best as of now.

Be there for myself, in turn show up for them.

In essence, they have to find their own version of peace and so do I. This holds true not just for them, but also for the ones I hold very dear.

The Grind to handle a Negative Mind

 The grind to handle a negative mind:

 

Preachy, pretentious, higher than thou, carrying a halo. Easy to be.

Not easy: to handle a mind when it’s decided on a day to play victim with the most oblivious of your memories and start generalizing life, people in this lens.

I wear many lenses Rose / black / blue – not green or yellow though (my sunglasses-duh). God knows it mars the vision and nature colors like no other. Just takes over the viewing experience: if you get what I mean.

Well, the same can be said for the lens called negativity. With the lens of Positivity, one day life is “Hum Saath Saath Hain” on another it is “Main Hoon Na”, next day it is “Baazigar”, some days “Sooryavansham”, on others “Wake up Sid!”, on many it is “Lakshya”. There are days where it is even “Golmaal”.

Then there are days where it is “Jaani Dushman”- Kisi ko nahi pata ghanta kya chal raha hai, aur mujhe toh bilkul nahi pata. On all these days, head is held high or low, just go slow with the flow.

But kya hojaaye jab negativity ka lens lag jaaye aur life “Naagin” ka season 38 ban jaaye. Yahan ek janam mushkil se beet ra, 100 janam mein kaunsa badla luin. Kisse? Kyun?

That one day when it gets free hand: actually, the mind decides today negativity gets free call. The havoc that it wreaks on mind and surroundings. A Tsunami can be put to shame.

All the sadhana, all the so-called stoic practice, all the positivity, all the faith that you have practiced, you can summon. And uss din it is just “Babaji ka thullu.”

What do you do on such days? Cry, curse and try to stay calm. Because you know this is a one-time tantrum in your brain, but to let it spill out in your surrounding will be a life long regret.

But does that mean that it does not affect your environment. It does. Somehow, somewhere one person can catch hold of these vibrations in the family and act on it. Even then to stay quite and to not let your mouth wander off as per your mind takes some might.

It is well worth it. Even then you will have some negative thoughts. But once you have crossed the phase you will realize the work in progress that you still are and one thing that will give the relief is, crossing it without having regret cross over with you.

I understand more than anything, I am a work in progress. Exactly why, I will still practice my Sadhana, my self-love, self-respect, positivity for days like these when they come – maybe rare but when they are here, they knock out the air within you. But what keeps you grounded is understanding the core person you are. That is possible through discipline (Niyama).

I continue to work on myself, for myself. For the person I see in the mirror and say – you have come a long way babe, well done! Now let’s go further.

Writer's drama, Existential overthinking...

I want to keep writing...

But how? Do I continue with life experiences OR draw up a story somewhere?

Until now my focus has been to write and publish every week. And true to that, every week I had something write about.

This week however, I am at a loss. Why?

Maybe, I have not sat and observed the week in solitude as I usually do?

Or there has been so much going on, that I have not had the time to sit with it and go through it. This is despite me taking the whole Diwali week off from work. It was precisely to put together my thoughts on my focus areas. Exactly what I have been unable to do.

Do I blame the family who saw the free time I had and decided to put it to use on #DiwaliSafai by which time if i finished i had no inclination to write OR the cousins who were sweet to come and visit post Diwali. Through them I got to go back to some of my favorite places in Pune, to show them around.

Or is it me, who was available all the while and when I did complain, it was on such inconsequential things (since I wanted to keep private the reason for this leave) that they just decided to shut me up and ignore my tantrums?

Family settings, especially with Indians, if you live with your parents - tend to bring out the best and worst in you. The best makes you feel all gooey, grateful. Its the worst of you that makes it uncomfortable.

You start to question your sanity, if you are human to even think against your parents (the great Indian dilemma) or rather you are just a docile being who has surrendered to the situation and try to make the best of it.

Does this make the family a villain, if that's so then I maybe the vamp I so detested once (cue Komolika music- Nikaaaa). But wanting to draw boundaries can lead to being a vamp- No.

And it certainly is more in my mind (grown up on too much indian drama i guess- 90's and 2000's - Ekta kapoor, i blame you.) Sigh!

Nevertheless, all it takes is one step towards open communication with your mother and she will turn out to be the biggest supporter of you. Well that's my mom, at least. She would adjust herself to align with your goals (I mean me of course). But once she just voices her insecurity / opinion / need, she suddenly is the villain of my life.

Listening to many people I understand how lucky I am and having been privy to many life experiences I can gather not all are that lucky. Does luck have something to do with this though... Or is it the "Karma" as so well put of our past lives?

I certainly do not have these answers. I mean if past lives do exist and we are given a look into our own "Raaz pichle janam ka" I doubt we will remain sane once we have seen that. So let suspense be suspenseful?! And work with what you have got.

The thing is, we all are centered around our own lives, even while living in one home / one room with family. To us, we are the heroes, the knight in shining armor - if you may, for the family. But the truth is, we each our own shining light, yes. But that light at times dims down, that's when we need the light of our family to shine on to us until our light comes back.

We all know this, I certainly understand this and yet, there are times that negative thoughts do come in, the rant (which this post may as well be) also sets in. The moment when you understand you are victimizing yourself and creating drama in your own head. And no, you do not need to look out or at other people to be grateful for your life's pros'. For that matter, being born and staying in the country, you're at as well.

What is needed is to center yourself, gather and observe the thoughts, let go of the one's that do not serve you.

Oh, if only it was easier done than said.