Faith, Insecurities, and Anchoring in Self

I have been in a somber mood for a while now.

Don’t believe anyone sees through that smile of mine until and unless I really down.

The thing is I do not want anyone to see it as well.

What do I say? How do I even explain?

Explain that life is good, I have nothing to complain and seemingly fulfilling, yet I would really like to withdraw from all responsibilities, just read write have coffee, visit numerous cafes, do my sadhana, complete my gym sessions and learn other things I have interest in.

I do not like people calling me and eating away my precious time during which I can sit and stare at a blank wall. That will be more fun to me than going through some conversations I have had lately.

What I despise most are people who do not take ‘no’ for an answer and more so the crowd around who enjoy gossiping at the expense of others. I treat people the way I want to be treated and believe in basic respect given our humanity (if any exists).

What I have come across many a times are energy leeches, friends (if they can be called that) who do not understand boundaries and people who have no business, link others in an imaginary relationship and cause gossip.

I have endured the situation very matured and very me ‘introverted’ like *cough* suffer in silence *cough*and kept my head high.

Come new phase in life, 2025 was a bang indeed and has fast forwarded with a speed which has left me grappling with some of the things I may not have worked on – within and without.

It will be foolish to describe myself by saying: I am overly optimistic, when I am so painfully aware of my inadequacies. The insecurities that come along with it, well lets just say my demons have a field day in my mind.

Faith:

The reason I mention faith here, is because I am lucky to have friends of some diverse thoughts and have had some look into their idea of faith.

There are some who classify as ‘atheist’, grew up in a believing family: However, with their experience / situations understood their standing on the subject. Some I know were believers of science and decided religion is not for them.

One of the reasons which a very good friend pointed out to me was there is no evidence of a ’divine being’ and they did not feel any connect. If you read Why Am I an atheist by “Shaheed Bhagat Singh” which is an eye opener in itself – a look into the great revolutionary’s mind (who shall miss that?).

He imparts his thought on the subject by saying, the idea of being dependent on a outer divine being or situations being responsible for his actions, is not something he understands. To him, he is independent in his actions and has no God to look up to, which means in adversity he stands alone. And for him that is the true test of character.

Truly a revolutionary: In thought and in action. I salute you sir.

Coming back, this is a field day for my demons as well I guess OR maybe I am actually doing something which has long been encouraged in my faith. Questioning my faith and why do I need it, is it an anchor, a way to ward off responsibility of my actions?

I have grown up with my faith, it is an intrinsic part of me. But I guess it is always good to look at the root cause of it and what you want out of it so as to understand where you stand.

To me, its been as natural as a river flowing starting from the glacier down to the mountains and making its way to the sea. Even if the river does not get a way, it makes its own way just by flowing, no matter how she changes her course, she knows she has to reach the sea.

My faith is the sea and I am but a flowing river going towards its destination. Don’t get me wrong, I have had bad and questionable days. When I was flooded river rather than a flowing one.

But during this time of going through my insecurities, one thing that I did notice is chanting, remembering the one I believe in, the lessons I have been imparted through satsang and life, that grounded me – in ME.

While growing up and being influenced by the movies you tend to look outward for miracles, but if you do the work on yourself, you realize that miracle is not somewhere outside, it is within me. It is ‘Me’ in the truest sense.

Inadequacies and subsequent insecurities:

This I believe all of us deal with it, however, it is our genuine belief that our problem is much larger than someone else.

If given a chance we would sit down and count our cards with each other, but since that is considered inappropriate, we resort to judge others and their life in our minds. And as rightly said: Grass is always greener on the other side. Also, humans love the idea of being victimized.

I have a sneaking suspicion most of us go through our life with Stockholm syndromes. Hear me out, we behave as if someone kidnapped our right to life and now there is no bigger victim than us. While for some it may hold true (extreme examples: People of Gaza, Afghanistan, tramatic childhood, bullying victims, etc.) some of us have gone through life with an in born melancholy – yes me.

And if I want to sit down and count my victim cards, I can bring some – no problem. But I refuse.

I refuse to go through my own life as a third person or live vicariously through someone else while I may be the last priority OR maybe NO priority at all. What’s needed for that? Not classifying as a victim. But what is the first response of a normal human being? I am a victim.

Is it easy to not play victim? To show up everyday even though your internal everything is screaming – you are not needed, go be somewhere else?

No, it’s not. Hell NOT. But have I ever made something easy for myself in this regard? Nope and I don’t plan to. Why oh why then I call myself a closeted lazy human?

My mind right now is a field play of my flaws physical, mental and spiritual. Yes, I have blamed everyone from my parents, my upbringing, my ancestors and of course – My God. And the conclusion?

If I am that victimized and was stopped from being great previously: WHAT THE HELL IS STOPPING ME NOW?

You guessed it: yours truly – ‘Moi’.

Confrontations:

The idea is to confront me for me, to better me.

There, first great point revealed – ability to generate tongue twisters. Thank you!

I have confronted people doing me wrong, who only left me wondering what the hell was I thinking. So that’s not ideal. But this time I decided to also confront an outside source of the much despicable gossip for me.

My only idea: Confront them as the best of me. Let me explain.

I do not accuse, I do not fight, it will end up with me in tears and guilt for doing wrong to the other. And trust me, someone has manipulated this very trait of mine, to suit their own fantasies.

As you can imagine: Living hell for me. Nah Ah.

I won’t say I am all relieved and on top of the world. It was meant to be a subtle warning to them and if they are wise, they will know.

Was this to satisfy my ego? No.

It was to let people know I am done with taking their garbage, even if its behind my back. I will not suffer silently no more and I am not available to take anyone’s S*** no more.

While I am not surprised, this was needed. But I can see how this came about. Meeting and speaking to certain people does bring about a change. You tend to pick up things you yourself are lacking.

Thanking my god now for this very change. If I am giving the responsibility to them for the bad, I should have no qualms in applauding for the good done.

But the fact of the matter is, the whole point is for me to learn and grow.

Anchoring in self:

In essence with my faith, the life lessons and facing the many demons, the point is to anchor myself to myself.

Titanic drowned not only due to hitting the iceberg but also due to an engineering and design fault. ‘Iceberg’ in life will come and go, it is your own design and engineering expertise on yourself that keeps you going. Not to forget the navigation misses.

Goodbye note:

I understand I may have bored you with a long article as such, but dear reader, it is only fair I share my experiences to the best of my ability. If it helps you or if you just find it interesting- I would be deeply delighted.

Chimamanda’s We Should All Be Feminists from a Cultural Lens

If you are not living under a rock (unlike me, who just read this book) you may have already read Chimamanda Ngozi’s beautiful essay We Should All Be Feminists.

Not that I did not know about the book, I kept seeing it everywhere, and at the time it really felt like a trend, with the multiple reels and 'bookstagram' recommendations.
Now that I have read it, I can understand the huge number of recommendations it has received.

There is something unsettling about seeing feminism and its meaning misunderstood in similar ways by so many, even as the experiences of discrimination differ widely.
But do we as women understand the essence of feminism as well, or is it another buzzword to get attention or a topic for discussion?

If you Google it, below is the answer:

Feminism is the belief in and advocacy for the full social, economic, and political equality of all people, particularly through efforts to achieve women's rights and interests, challenge gender inequality, and dismantle systems of discrimination based on gender, race, and other intersecting factors. It is a broad set of movements and ideologies that seek to create a society where all genders have equal opportunities, treatment, and respect.

Simply put through my lens: it is my right to be treated as a fellow human without discrimination based on gender.

Most of you who are readers and do not procrastinate just because you think something is a trend have already read this. Done and dusted, taken your lessons, and moved on.
To me, who just gave it a read this afternoon, it seemed so simple yet annoying and grudgingly so, and the essence of it felt distorted. Such a simple task, to respect and value someone based on personality and not gender. And yet such a distant idea, actually not even an idea, to many.

Disclaimer: Spiritual talk ahead. This would be a good time to check out if you are not interested.

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Spinning the Traditional and Cultural Lens

Since many of you have already read it, there is no need to repeat the same details mentioned in the book.
The main reason for this article is to highlight the different perspectives depending on culture. It is promising to know that the essence and definition of feminism remain mostly the same, and yet a shift in region, situation, and culture can provide so many different perspectives.

As a Hindu, when I read this, I sat for some time with Chimamanda’s idea that gender roles are deeply ingrained in us without our realizing it. We tend to act according to these unconscious learnings because we are not confident in our own value. However, once we recognize our value, that is when the shift truly occurs.

For me, this led me to the thought of Shiv Shakti: the supreme Hindu God and Goddess couple.
Anyone who is aware of the basics of Hinduism has carried them in mind as an ideal couple (literally). Beyond that, there are also philosophical and biological connotations. Shakti is the Kundalini asleep at the base of the spine. As she awakens, she makes her way through the spinal steps, activating each chakra, and finally unites with her Shiv at the topmost chakra.

In everyday life, we consider women to be a mirror image of the Goddess (though consideration does not mean this is applied much in real life, except in some homes), and men as an image of Shiv (again, not necessarily acting like him or learning from his stories).

On my spiritual path, I too have considered myself Shakti (since I am lucky to be born a woman), waiting to unite with her Shiv.
For the first time today, after reading this wonderful essay, it helped me switch my perspective.

What if I am Shiv waiting to unite with his Shakti? In Hindi there is a saying:
शिव है शव बिना शक्ति के — roughly, Shiva is a corpse without Shakti.

Shiv is withdrawn from the world, deep in meditation, unaware of and uncaring about the happenings of the world. When Shakti arrives, she breathes fire into him and brings him into participation with the world, keeping the universe intact and blessing it further.

Is this not a deep-seated gender-specific role that I have been carrying? Just because I am a woman, I think I am Shakti.

I know for some this may be a wasteful conversation, but it matters to me the most.
Did he not burn more than Sati in the fire she gave herself to, for the disrespect caused to her husband and to satisfy the ego of a man (her father)?
Did he not agonize over his beloved’s death and roam the universe as an ascetic burning in her absence?
Did Shiv not patiently wait for Parvati to come along while being in his sadhana?

When we think of this story, we think of Sati’s sacrifice and Parvati’s penance to obtain Shiv as her husband. But seldom do we think of Shiv’s patience, disguised as his inertia and unwillingness to participate in the world without his half.

Spiritually speaking, to consider myself “Shakti” when I may as well be “shav” waiting to become “Shiv” once united is giving into a gender-specific role.
Why is this important? Because a wrong diagnosis can only give incorrect consultation and medication, which can lead to further derailment rather than improvement.

But even to understand this, I must know myself not as a human born in a certain gender, but as a soul given the opportunity of this wonderful life as a human. Maybe then, I can tread my path carefully and reach my Shakti.

A thought to consider: Shiv and Shakti are within me.

Soch - Reflections of a Citizen | सोच — आवाज़ एक नागरिक की

 Soch-soch kar bhi kya sochun?

Kitna sochun?
Sochun ya phir na sochun?

Aji, chuppi toh sab bahar ki hai,
mann mein toh sochon ka bhawandar hai.

Palestine mein ho raha hai ghor apradh,
Israel kahe, maine nahi kiya koi paap.
India mein ghuskar atankwadi karte hain jaatiwaad ka kaand,
bhugatte hain Bharat ke insaan.

Koi kahe, paise ka khel hai, koi kahe, paise ka khel hai,
nahi hone dena hai logon ka mel.

Par yahan toh Hindu hi Hindu ke khilaaf,
yahan toh Hindu hi Hindu ke khilaaf.
Jaat-paat kam nahi tha, ab odh liya hai bhaasha ka livaaz.

Koi bahar ka kya maarega,
hamara jaanbaaz sarhad par jo khada hai.
Koi bahar ka kya maarega
jab ghar ka dushman ghar mein baitha hai.

Bhaasha, dharm, jaat-paat,
sara masla isi par atka hai.

Maarna-kaatna insaanon tak seemit nahi,
humne toh maa, jis dharti ko kehte hain,
maa, jis dharti ko kehte hain, ussi ko jhulas diya hai.

Jahan jaun, wahan plastic ka phailav,
kahin traffic lanes mein bikharav.
Signal to jaise hai hi nahi,
apni masti mein chalte jaana hai.
Koi tameez sikhaye to bolte hain, tumhare baap ka kya jaata hai?

Baap ka to pata nahi,
meri maa ka zaroor jaata hai.

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सोच–सोच कर भी क्या सोचूँ?
कितना सोचूँ?
सोचूँ या फिर न सोचूँ?

अजी, चुप्पी तो सब बाहर की है,
मन में तो सोचों का भँवर है।

फ़िलिस्तीन में हो रहा है घोर अपराध,
इज़राइल कहे — मैंने नहीं किया कोई पाप।
भारत में घुसकर आतंकवादी करते हैं जातिवाद का कांड,

भुगतते हैं भारत के इंसान।

कोई कहे — पैसों का खेल है, कोई कहे — पैसों का खेल है,
नहीं होने देना है लोगों का मेल।

पर यहाँ तो हिन्दू ही हिन्दू के ख़िलाफ़,
यहाँ तो हिन्दू ही हिन्दू के ख़िलाफ़।
जात-पात कम नहीं था, अब ओढ़ लिया है भाषा का लिबास।

कोई बाहर का क्या मारेगा,
हमारा जानबाज़ सरहद पर जो खड़ा है।
कोई बाहर का क्या मारेगा,
जब घर का दुश्मन घर में बैठा है।

भाषा, धर्म, जात-पात —
सारा मसला इसी पर अटका है।

मारना–काटना इंसानों तक सीमित नहीं,
हमने तो माँ, जिस धरती को कहते हैं,
माँ, जिस धरती को कहते हैं, उसी को झुलसा दिया है।

जहाँ जाऊँ वहाँ प्लास्टिक का फैलाव,
कहीं ट्रैफ़िक लेन्स में बिखराव।
सिग्नल तो जैसे है ही नहीं,
अपनी मस्ती में चलते जाना है।

कोई तमीज़ सिखाए तो बोलते हैं —
“तुम्हारे बाप का क्या जाता है?”

बाप का तो पता नहीं,
मेरी माँ का ज़रूर जाता है। 

Digging Deep and Random rants

 Learning to be alone…

A simple yet such a hard task to achieve.

I am supposed to be walking around my room, trying to contemplate my life – what I want.

And what do I do? Sit down and start this essay instead.

In today’s world being comfortable alone constitutes to going for a movie alone, dining / café alone, checking out new places all alone – all without any judgement OR embarrassment. That is your own judgement, because if you’re at this stage, you likely do not care about others any way. Plus, they will be too busy to anyway, take my word for it.

Every time, I feel a regret for what would have been and try to gauge why I do feel this way and what can be done to rectify this in the present, a veil drop. Suddenly I find myself thinking of a scene from a current favorite show / movie OR a rerun of certain favorite scene in the past. Then I want to get all nostalgic about the 90’s – my growing up years.

Let me be clear, while hate is a strong word for it, no love lost for me for those embarrassing years of mine. I am just thankful to have come this far. Touchwood. And look forward to going beyond. Nope – not a cry for help, I mean beyond in life. That beyond will come day and I am very happy to wait for it when it does come.

See, different stream of thoughts all catching a different road and leading me somewhere, then nowhere. I may as well be courage the cowardly dog in the middle of nowhere. And I had no love for him as well, much to my sister’s dismay.

This is supposed to be a learn to be alone thing not how to think and write no sense nonsense thing.

I want to dig deeper into my train of thoughts, don’t tell me there is so much nonsense to dig through much like the never-ending garbage mountain of Delhi / Mumbai. See – Random facts and rambling. When that does not work, self-deprecating humor is at its best.

So difficult to use em dashes so people don’t think you are having AI write this. FOCUS. BREATHE. THINK. DIG. DEEP. ALONE.

Annndddd nothing…………… Uff yaar!!!!!!!

Paracetamol and Annabelle - Curious case of my dreams

I think it is a rite of passage in your human life to at least once have been scared straight in your dreams.

We all go through it as far as I have observed, asked and read – all of it connected to whatever mental / physical stress you may be going through.

Of course, as a child we are unaware of these conditions that lead to some truly horrifying dreams which we then blame on the movies we have watched (which essentially can be true – I mean “IT” – come on) or someone told us a scary story.

In any case, it is a true test of strength, resilience and our faith (whichever we may follow) and growing up we start taking it as a matter of pride when these things do not shake us.

But then they do shake us, more than we let on, sometimes to ourselves as well.

I believe in the higher power and with that essentially comes the belief that everything everywhere exists and has the potential to either harm or take you forward. I believe in the name of my God and the power of his chant to help me rise above this.

As a grown up, we tend to believe we are above all this and continue with our lives. And then you dream a thing of nightmares and are paralyzed by the experience for a while. A full grown adult – scared shit in a dream. Not one, not two but many to come.

I experienced this at a time, being scared of the night, to sleep and yet I was determined to not let it hinder me. I would go to sleep, lights off with my God’s name. Yes, I had nightmares and I prayed to be free of them. After a while, I think I analyzed these nightmares to be something that they are trying to tell me.

I went in for some tests, I had hormonal imbalance before so I did suspect that and consulted my doctor. Lo and behold, a scary hormonal imbalance on the horizon it was. Detected on time and with a warning given to me to improve my lifestyle.

I guess I should be thanking the “Ghosts of my deams” then to show me the path I had been neglecting.

But years later, with where I am at I did not foresee this. I was left astounded at the thought of how could it be that I was this… well I will let you decide dear reader:

Here I am in my bed on a crisp Monday night reeling from the hold of viral that had taken over me over the weekend. With my trusty paracetamol and curi tea (herb tea) all ready to get cozy and rest.

Due to reasons I was unable to take a sick leave (no my manager is not a maniac wanting me to work through a fever – I am the maniac wanting to go through it) and had to wake up on time for y 6 am Shift (Work from home pros).

I am unable to sleep (thanks for nothing not so trusty paracetamol), toss and turn wanting to get some shut eye, worried if I will be able to make it to my shift time the next day or I will be declared absent due to unknown reasons (Oh, the horror – see what I did there).

And finally, some sleep – a world of Dubai and Pune in my dreams, suddenly a version of Annabelle (thank you Ms Unconscious mind) looking at me laughing.

Here I am scared and worried looking at her, praying to my God and then I remembered something critical. Something truly truly unimaginable to me – I am going to miss my 6 am shift.

I look at Annabelle and go – I really do not have time for this haunted madness girl, I have a shift tomorrow and I need to rest. Get lost.

YES – the haunted looking at the entity and saying, sorry madam so busy with my 6 am to 3 pm shift. You want my afternoon naps? No can do – Its gym time baby.  You will need an appointment on the weekend to specifically haunt me.

Or maybe we just have some nightmarish goorish coffee, you pretend you haunted me and I pretend I was haunted.

Lets be on our way then.

Seriously… I MEAN SERIOUSLY… If this is the late 30’s and a corporate slave mindset I think I am here for it and going to go “ooh la la” with it – for sometime.

I am in utter disbelief of the power of focus for your life goals can lead to such ironic situations in my own dreams.

Well it will also be a kick in my own ass moment if similar to previous situation my body is actually trying to warn me of some underlying imbalance. And I am too busy yelling – No can do ma’am we have goals to achieve. Sit tight and lets take a flight.

Hopefully one that reaches it destination and has a smooth landing. Whew! 😉

To be or Not to be… Analyzing the idea of “Me”

I have grown up in Dubai, a secured and a silent childhood.

There have been times during childhood I felt And yet wanting to feel the zest for life.

For much of my childhood in Dubai I had an idea of the ideal person I wanted to become.

It helped that the ideal person was in front of me, I would copy all their moves and tried to be like them.

Everyone praised them, using them as an example on how should one be. I was starry-eyed, pretending to be them whenever they weren’t around stepping into their place, hoping to fill it.

Much of childhood and teens went with this ideology of mine. Until I failed in my 10^th grade and had to switch to open schooling since I could not work my way around with Math.

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise for I discovered Psychology. The book we had was basic of course.

But the idea of to know thyself and know the world aligned with my Satsang ideology (spiritual learnings). Though I did not pursue the subject as an area of study and was rather uninterested in the experiments or theories, I began observing the human behavior. The behavior of me.

It was at best rudimentary but a start nonetheless. I had just started discovering myself beyond this idea that I had to be like a certain person to have a happy life, the time came to shift to India.

The shift to Pune OR the shift within:

Without getting into details, this was a family decision and was one for getting me married as quickly as possible. Being the ever compliant elder daughter, I was with no sense of self and happily agreed a to the idea. Without much thought of consequences for myself.

Starting (Restarting) my life in Pune, a shift came about OR rather something within me began to rise. I was permanently with the person I idealized and the world they had here, was of their own with little space for me.

For me, my idea of self were the family and this person, whatever these people said had to be truth and my thoughts are just that – thoughts.

But observing that person continuously while still feeling the connect to them, you start realizing the hand you’re dealt. The fact stares you right at your face that you will always be second, third or maybe last option for everyone around, And while you copied them, you are not you.

When I am me, it may not align with many of the traits of that person.

This realization hits more, when you gather the teachings of Satsang: A rose has to be a rose, a sunflower cannot be a Rose.

I understood I had to build my own path, my own world. And when I joined a new environment like a new job, I realized my incapability’s. Because I was a shy awkward introvert who always was in a world created by others and was just orbiting there. I had led myself to a space where I had become dependent on others for friendships and many other things.

This led me to decide to bring the changes required and to break out of this shell. I did not want to change my core, but a shift in my approach that had till now been a hindrance to my own self.

It led to good decisions. And, of course a few questionable ones (one of which I’m still paying for... healing and letting go from that too… lol). The truth is, it hasn’t been easy.

Not being a shy, reserved introvert.

Not breaking out of that shell.

And certainly not facing the consequences of that transformation - embracing them fully and owning them.

NOW:

Now I find myself at a cross road of what I once was, fully realizing that I am where I prayed to once be.

Creating a world of mine, No longer a copy or a shadow of someone else. Finally, me.

My eyes are full of stars, my mind full of ideas.
I’m aware of my limitations but also of where I now want to go.

And yet, I am still pulled by two worlds: the what could have been in Dubai, and the life I’ve shaped in Pune. This duality is both interesting and, at times, frustrating.

This comes with a weight of awareness, also carrying hope of what can be.

With starry eyes and wonder for life, I go forward on this path – a future curated for me and lovingly supported by the one I believe in.

And when it all gets a little too much, I will close my eyes, breathe and believe:

If the idea exists, so does the path.
If I am where I am today with no clear roadmap of how I got here, it means I was guided.
And if I was guided then, I’ll be guided now.
I will go beyond what I think I’m capable of.
I can feel it... in my bones.

Gulmohar: Ek Dastaan

 #Gulmoharimages

Aankhon ko sukoon deta hai,

Rooh ko gad-gad karta hai,

Grishm ritu ke aane par,

Jiske phoolon ke aane ka aabhas ho, (2)

Nazron ko uski talaash ho,

Phool voh aate hain (2)

Utni hi jaldi Varsha ritu ke aate hi bichadh jaate hain,

Maano yeh batate hain, (2)

Aisa jatate hain, (2)

Jeevan to hai samay ka khel, (2)

Kuch palon ka hai yeh mel, (2)

Toh khilne se…puri tarah khilne se,

Kaisa ghabraana? (2)

Chaar palon ka muskaraana, chaar palon ka khilkhilaahatein baantna,

Yuhin toh hai yahan iss waqt ko bitaana.

Om Sai Ram